


love always wakes the dragon (and suddenly flames everywhere)

by dreamer_of_dreams



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Boys talking to each other about their issues, Building trust, Depressed Eliott, Eliott needs a lot of reassurance due to his mental health issues, Eliott needs tender loving care when he spirals, Fluff and Angst, Healing, I know it's canon divergent because Sofiane isn't the friend but whatever, Jealous Lucas, Lucas needs a lot of reassurance due to his abandonment issues, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Sofiane is like Mikael from Skam OG, Sofiane is the best friend that Eliott kissed, slight angst with happy ending
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-30
Updated: 2019-06-07
Packaged: 2020-02-10 06:37:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 30,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18654940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamer_of_dreams/pseuds/dreamer_of_dreams
Summary: "Eliott looks more at ease now, seemingly speaking a lot while the guy nods at intervals with a smile. The guy replies something and Eliott laughs again, throwing his head back. Eliott looks around for a moment, as though he is searching for someone, presumably Lucas, and then holds out his hand at the guy. But the guy merely taps it, before putting his plastic cup down on a side table next to him, and pulls Eliott into a hug. He is tall enough that he could embrace Eliott’s shoulders and Eliott immediately wraps his arms around the guys back. When the guy pulls him closer and sways a little, Eliott locks his arms and closes his eyes, listening to something the guy was saying into his ear and Lucas… he almost loses it."Lucas and Eliott have been together for a while and are mostly happy. But Lucas sees Eliott talking to Sofiane one day and gets jealous. All his hidden insecurities begin to resurface.





	1. i'm not the dragon

I can tell already you think I’m the dragon,

that would be so like me, but I’m not.

I’m not the dragon. I’m not the princess either.

Who am I?

\- Richard Siken

 

Lucas almost laughs in disbelief when he steps into what looks more like a mansion than a house, throbbing with movement, loud dubstep and circling strobe lights. He doesn’t move forward into the crowd but steps aside near the entrance, against the wall, to stare at the vigour of the party. Which parent in their right mind would have allowed their teenage son to have such a luxurious place to throw a party for his friends? But then again, Blaise always seemed rich and bratty and he’s graduating soon. Lucas does not know Blaise personally but apparently, Chloe does and she invited Yann as her date and Yann invited the boy squad when he noticed how big the crowd was. Not like anyone would be able to tell who knows whom if half the school are in there.  

_What the hell?_ he mouths to Eliott only to have the older boy grin so wide that it made Lucas giggle.

Eliott returns Lucas’ laughter than head-bangs to the rhythm, reminiscent of that first unofficial date when Lucas spent the whole evening getting high and getting to know Eliott. He breaks out of his trance when Eliott raises both his and Lucas’ hands where they are clasped together on top of their heads to get him dancing.

Lucas quickly pulls down their hands and exaggeratedly mouths, _No_.   

Eliott pouts and leans into his space, lips against his ear as he says jokingly, “What, now that we’ve been together for a bit, you’re embarrassed by me?”

Lucas puts his left hand against Eliott’s nape, his right hand still in his boyfriend’s grasp.

“No. It reminds me of when I first realised I was totally gone for you and… this is not the kind of place we want to make out in,” Lucas says, trying for corny but ending up sounding a little too sincere to keep his dignity intact.

He sees the way Eliott’s eyes crinkle in the corners when he pulls away to look at Lucas, his whole face lit with joy, “Speak for yourself, Lallemant.”

And Lucas… he can’t help it.

“Fuck it,” he whispers and drags Eliott against him, the hand on Eliott’s nape now running through his hair and clutching a little as he kisses him.

Eliott gladly kisses him back, biting his bottom lip lightly and dragging his teeth across it as he breaks away from the kiss.

“Later,” Eliott promises, giving one small peck and messing his boyfriend’s hair when Lucas leans in again.

Eliott drags Lucas past the entrance into the hall where the party is raging. He squeezes Lucas’ hand and smiles at him, shoulders rising in a shrug. Lucas squeezes back and bumps their shoulders together, feeling a little giddy himself.

They’ve been happy. For quite a while now, they’ve been happy. Eliott takes his pills diligently, having decided that he never wants to hurt Lucas again if he has a say in it. He hasn’t had a major episode in a while. Occasionally, he struggles with pangs of depression and stays in bed for a few days, finding school and the impending exams too overwhelming. Lucas still goes to school on those days, maintaining a façade of normalcy to not worry Eliott any further. But at night, he comes home and offers to study with Eliott, particularly during the nights closer to Eliott’s final exam when the older boy burns a midnight candle to catch up on all the lessons he had missed. Eliott is smart, capable, and has great insights on literature, but he doesn’t always see himself the way Lucas does. He has internalised feeling like a failure for needing to skip a year of school, and it didn’t help that Lucille’s idea of motivating him, when they were together, was by pointing out that he could have been going to college with her instead of having to move schools and start over if he only got it right the first time. Lucas sometimes worried that he was not a good influence either, demanding too much of Eliott’s attention and time. He asked Eliott a few times if he’d prefer to be at his own house, without Lucas’ distraction. But Eliott merely shook his head and reassured him that he’s not distracted. In fact, he’s calmer with Lucas around. Lucas knows when to force Eliott to take breaks and when to push him to study a little more.

But that’s all in the past now. Eliott has finally sat for all his exams and although he found some papers harder than others, he seems to be contented with himself. Lucas loves the easy smile he sees on Eliott, now that he’s not dreading every day that passes by, worrying about how ill-prepared he is for the exam. Eliott is going to have to start planning for college soon but they have promised each other that they’ll live minute by minute. Tonight, they will have fun.

Lucas throws his head back and laughs when Eliott yanks his hand towards the dancefloor when the DJ plays another dubstep mix. The two of them jump up and down, hands in the air, looking absolutely ridiculous together. Basille, Arthur, and Yann join them out of nowhere, all of them shouting excitedly at having found Lucas and Eliott in the impossible crowd. Eliott n°2560 and Lucas n°37840 are happy.

 *****

The mansion is big enough to have two party spaces with four university students bartending for the night. Eliott and Lucas moved to the quieter space when Eliott’s mum started texting him, asking about his exams. Lucas walked up to the makeshift bar to give him some space so he could be mindful when replying to his mum.

He’s standing behind a guy, waiting for his turn to order, and almost gets elbowed when the guy turns around with two plastic cups filled with something orange enough that they look like plain juice. The man smiles at him, mumbling apologies but Lucas’ brain short-circuits. He has seen him somewhere before, where has he seen him? High cheekbones, stunning smile, tanned skin, dark curls… Lucas turns around to stare at his back as he walks away, trying to piece together this puzzle that feels suddenly and impossibly urgent, when he sees the guy stride across the room straight to where Imane and Manon are standing. He passes one cup to Imane - orange juice then. And it hits Lucas, the dude in Imane’s Instagram, with her brother Idriss. That day when he saw Eliott talking to Imane about something, he doesn’t know what but he recalls seeing Eliott turn his head to look at the picture before Lucas interrupted them.

He turns back to the counter as the bartender hollered something at him, ordering vodka and coke for himself and a rock shandy for Eliott. It has low enough alcohol content that drinking one doesn’t affect Eliott all that much and the older boy is resigned to some lifestyle changes if it means he gets to be stable enough to be with Lucas. Lucas thinks about that, the sacrifices that Eliott makes for himself but also motivated by his desire to do right by Lucas. He wonders if he would have done the same for Eliott if it had been him. He sometimes feels selfish in comparison. He likes to think he would, so he calls back to the bartender and changes his order. Two rock shandies instead. He’d keep Eliott company.  

He swivels with two drinks in his hands, gaze falling on Eliott where he left him leaning against the wall. He stops short when he sees Eliott, hands in his pockets, moving towards where Imane, Manon and the guy stand, chatting. Eliott’s face is expressionless but his gait is hesitant. Imane sees him approach first, waves him over with a smile. Eliott then joins the circle, smiling in a way that doesn’t reach his eyes and Lucas is almost tempted to walk over to them and ask what’s happening. But he waits it out as he makes out Eliott forming the words, hello, nodding to each of them but eyes lingering on the guy as he bites his lip in anticipation. The guy is standing sideways but Lucas still sees the blinding smile that the guy offers in return. Manon looks between them with a small smile but tinged with confusion, much like Lucas, and Imane grabs her hand and pulls her away from the circle. Before she leaves, she holds Eliott’s forearm firmly and Manon hurriedly waves at them both in goodbye.

A feeling of dread rises in Lucas when he sees Eliott look down at his feet, bouncing a little on his heels like he does when he’s nervous. Lucas debates walking over there himself when he sees the guy take a step closer as he says something to which Eliott looks up abruptly. The two of them look at each other for a second before bursting into laughter. Lucas is surprised to find that his own heart sinks further at the sight of them laughing. He hates standing there against a pillar like a creeper, observing their interaction but he can’t get his feet to move.

Eliott looks more at ease now, seemingly speaking a lot while the guy nods at intervals with a smile. The guy replies something and Eliott laughs again, throwing his head back. Eliott looks around for a moment, as though he is searching for someone, presumably Lucas, and then holds out his hand at the guy. But the guy merely taps it, before putting his plastic cup down on a side table next to him, and pulls Eliott into a hug. He is tall enough that he could embrace Eliott’s shoulders and Eliott immediately wraps his arms around the guys back. When the guy pulls him closer and sways a little, Eliott locks his arms and closes his eyes, listening to something the guy was saying into his ear and Lucas… he almost loses it. It all seemed so intimate that it makes him jealous. So jealous that he’s starting to get a little angry. But when the guy pulls back, he grabs Eliott by the shoulders, still saying something and Eliott nods, looking down at his shoes. The guy shakes him a little and Eliott looks at him, a small, sad smile on his face.

Lucas is almost shaking with the weird, twisting feeling he has in his guts. The guy takes his cup from the side table and almost tips it at Eliott in an invitation when Eliott points towards the counter and both their gazes are suddenly searching the small crowd that Lucas is blending in. He turns around immediately, back facing Eliott, not wanting him to realise that Lucas was creepily observing him. What has he turned into? He’s cussing at himself when he sees who’s directly in front of him. 

"Chloe..."

“Lucas," she smirks. "The last time I saw you at a party, you looked exactly the same…” she gestures at his dishevelled state, “and at the time, you had a reason to be. What’s up?”

He wants to think she is mocking him but she sounded kinder than that.

“A little drunk is all. I didn’t plan to be.”

He doesn't know if she doesn't detect the lie or is helpfully ignoring it.

“Well... that can be fixed. Want to go wash your face? And I’ll get you some water?”

Before he could answer, he feels a hand against his back and hears Eliott say, “That’s alright. I got him. You okay, baby?”

Lucas almost snorts at the term of endearment because they only ever call each other all that in private. Never in front of their friends. If he didn’t know any better, he’d think Eliott was jealous.

Chloe just smiles at them both, unbothered, and says, “This party is great, isn’t it? I wasn’t expecting one so big.”

“Yeah, it’s massive. We’re loving it,” Eliott replies easily, turning his head to kiss Lucas on the cheek.

“Sorry we kinda crashed it uninvited. Well, Yann invited us but… I know you invited him as a plus one and we don’t really know Blaise and all that…” Lucas says, trying to mitigate what he assumes is on the verge of turning into a weird silent feud.

She says, “No, Yann asked me if he could. I don’t mind. I’m sure Blaise wouldn’t either. Speaking of which, I’m gonna go look for Yann. He promised me a dance. You boys have fun.”

“Soooo…” Eliott turns to Lucas, smiling mischievously as he takes a drink from Lucas’ hand.

He wipes the condensation on the plastic cup, peers into it to see the melted ice, and says, “Did she keep you so long that you forgot to bring over our drinks?”

He knows what Eliott is doing. Eliott is slightly jealous and given how Lucas was feeling earlier, a part of him wants to retaliate by saying yes. But they’re happy now right? They’re looking after each other? He’s not going to be petty.

“No, I was talking to someone else. She just showed up right before you came over.”

“Are you okay though?” Eliott asks. “She was asking if you wanted water.”

Lucas can’t possibly repeat the lie about feeling a little drunk when Eliott knows he hasn’t consumed any alcohol yet.

“I’m tired. I kinda wanna go home… but we can stay longer if you want to… I don’t know. Mingle.”

Eliott laughs, “Mingle?”

“I don’t know. Forget it. Here,” Lucas taps his cup against Eliott’s and takes a swig of the shandy. He doesn’t like the taste of it but he doesn’t grimace.

Eliott instinctively knows, smirks with an eyebrow raised at him and asks, “Did you have to pay for this?”

Lucas shakes his head and Eliott puts the cups away on the counter.

“Let’s take you home.”

“You sure? It’s your night out, you should be having fun. We can hang out a bit lo--”

Eliott interrupts him with a kiss. “I’m having fun whenever I’m with you.”

Lucas is still feeling a little shaken and confused about everything, curious beyond restraint about who the hell that guy is and why did he seem so friendly with Eliott. But he looks into Eliott’s eyes and sees that he means it.

“You’re a sap,” he says, giving in and kissing Eliott softly.

“Only for you,” Eliott murmurs, kissing his forehead next before intertwining their fingers and moving through the relatively smaller crowd of the room to the exit.

Lucas lets those words sink in. _Only for you_. He really needs to work on his own insecurities before he says something stupid to Eliott. They’re happy now. Right? They have to be, Lucas thinks, clutching Eliott’s hand desperately.

 

 

 

 


	2. i'm not the princess either

I sink the boat of love, but that comes later.  
And yes, I swallow glass, but that comes later.  
And the part where I push you flush against the wall  
and every part of your body rubs against the bricks,  
shut up  
I’m getting to it.  
For a while I thought I was the dragon.  
I guess I can tell you that now.  
And, for a while, I thought I was the princess,  
cotton candy pink, sitting there in my room,  
in the tower of the castle, young and beautiful  
and in love and waiting for you with confidence.  
\- Richard Siken

That night, lying in bed with Eliott in his room, Lucas’ thoughts loop like a broken record as he tries to dissuade the dreadful feeling. He thought maybe Eliott would mention it himself but they each took a shower, ate cereal for late dinner, and are now in bed, but Eliott doesn’t say anything. Lucas turns to his side and Eliott curls up behind him, wrapping a hand around his waist and pulling him closer.

“Can’t sleep?”

Lucas just nods.

Eliott yawns, clearly jaded and says, “Want to do something? Watch a movie?”

Lucas shakes his head, “Go to sleep.”

After a beat of silence, Lucas fidgets again, fingers tapping on the bed, and Eliott asks, “What are you thinking about?”

“Nothing.”

“Tell me about the nothing then,” Eliott says, stretching his arm across Lucas’ waist to squeeze his hand where he’s been tapping.

“Was just thinking about all the people we met today.”

“And?”

“Did you meet someone new?”

“Hmmm… No.”

When Lucas shifts a little, Eliott says, “Wait, actually ya. Souleymane came to the party.”

“Souleymane,” Lucas repeats, finally putting a name to his face.

“Yeah, he’s the new kid, Terminal S. He moved from Senegal. His parents split up or something. Couldn’t sit for Bac with us cause it’s too late, you know? He’s repeating next year.”

“You seemed very friendly with him. Did you know him from before?”

“Yeah, Ms Dethomas requested me to be his buddy. You know the buddy system right? I told you about it, I think?” Eliott yawns again loudly as he mumbles, “Excuse me.” He wipes his tears against his shirt sleeve and says, “I know what it’s like to shift school suddenly. And I didn’t really have friends for the first month until I… until I met you. So, she asked if I could show him around.”

“Wait... You mean the one with specs? You were accompanying him to the lab the other day?”

“Yeah, yeah, that one. Did I introduce you to him?”

“No. No, that’s not—Never mind. Go to sleep, baby. You’re tired.”

“Hmmm… How about you?”

“I’m gonna sleep too, in a bit,” Lucas answers, hiding his disappointment.

They weren’t even on the same page. Lucas mentally erases the name Souleymane from being attached to that guy he’s annoyed about. He’ll have to dig this out in a different way.

*****

Lucas spent the whole week contemplating between asking Imane, asking Eliott, asking Manon or following Imane’s brother, Idriss on Instagram and stalking him online to find a name.

He knows he’s being irrational but something about Imane and Eliott suddenly being friends makes him wonder if that guy is the reason why. Imane would never… She wouldn’t, right? She’d tell him if there’s something going on.

He doesn’t want to ask Eliott because it feels weirdly like trespassing. He knows what Eliott thinks about controlling partners. He’s not going to be that guy. And adding Idriss might flag Imane, he technically hasn’t met Idriss. So, he asks Manon. That’s his best shot.

She’s hanging out with Mika in the kitchen when the boy gets a phone call from this new guy he’s dating. Lucas sits on the counter where Mika just vacated, reaching over for a biscuit from the tray that she was offering.

“Soooo…”

“So?” answers Manon, lips forming into a smirk.

“How have you been?”

“We literally asked each other that 15 minutes ago when I came over,” she laughs. “Am I that boring that you can’t think of anything to say to me?”

“I can think of a few things,” Lucas sighs. “I’d probably just sound crazy though.”

Manon senses the shift in mood and leans back on her arms.

“You can talk to me about anything, Lucas. I thought we have established that.”

Lucas nods and pops the whole biscuit in his mouth, chewing distractedly.

“So?” Manon prompts.

“If I ask you something, will you promise not to tell anyone? That I asked?”

“Okay,” Manon says easily.

“Not even Imane?”

“Okaaay,” Manon’s eyebrows crease but she still maintains her small smile.

“I swear I’m not being… I don’t know. I’m not possessive or anything. I—”

“What is it, Lucas?” Manon says, sliding closer to him.

“At the party last Friday, I saw Eliott talking to this guy. Tall, curly hair… He brought Imane a drink. I think you know him?”

“Sofiane? Yeah, he’s Imane’s brother’s friend.”

“Sofiane. That’s his name?”

“Ya. I follow him on Insta. Wait let me show you.” She pulls out her phone, clicks on Instagram, types his name, and points at the first picture of him in his profile. “This guy, right?”

“Yes,” Lucas says, trying to glimpse as much as he can of the Insta account but Manon just turns off her phone.

“He seemed like he knew Eliott,” Manon says, looking over at him. So she must have been wondering too.

“Exactly. How though?”

“I don’t know. Imane pulled me away, she said they kinda needed to catch up. I asked about it but she changed the subject.”

“Does that not seem odd to you? Am I being the crazy boyfriend? This is so stupid,” Lucas says, running his hand through his hair and messing it up.

Manon reaches over and pats his leg, “I obviously didn’t get my relationship right for me to be advising you…”

“But?”

“But what I know is keeping secrets never helped. Just ask him.”

“But what if he’s…”

Manon snorts, rolling his eyes at him. “He’s not cheating on you, Lucas, if that's what you're thinking. He loves you. Everyone knows about it, it’s pretty sickening and all.”

She laughs when he tries to pull her ear. “I’m serious though. You don’t have to worry about that. Just ask him. I’m sure he’ll tell you.”

Lucas nods. She’s right. What he and Eliott have… they’ve worked so hard to get here. He doesn’t presume Eliott takes that lightly. It isn’t fair to him that Lucas would go behind his back.

He leans in and kisses Manon’s head, whispering, “Thank you.”

“Ooooh, what’s going on here?” Mika says, shimmying into the room. “Should I be warning Eliott about you two?”

Lucas jumps off the counter with an exaggerated eye roll, “My boyfriend knows how gay I am.”

“We all do too,” Mika shoots back.

“Shut up,” Lucas says as he walks out of the kitchen with another biscuit in hand.

He hears Mika's voice getting louder as he saunters to his room, “Look how far out of the closet you’ve come, my gay prodigy. That’s progress, bitch!”

Lucas can’t help but smile at that.

*****

Eliott is helping Lucas with the laundry on Sunday morning when Lucas decides to ask, almost too casually, “So, how do you know Imane’s brother’s friend exactly?”

“Huh?” Eliott stops checking the pockets of one of Lucas’ sweatpants for coins and tissues, and looks over, eyes wide.

“How do you know Imane’s brother’s friend? I mean… when I was getting drinks the other day, at the party?” he reminds Eliott when he still looks confused, “I saw you talking to him. I know he’s Idriss’ friend. I saw him on Imane’s Instagram once. Was just wondering how you know him.”

“Imane didn’t say anything?” Eliott says, dropping the pants onto the floor and grabbing his jeans this time.

“No? Why?” Lucas asks, straightening up from where he was bent over, removing lint from the washing machine.

Eliott remains quiet for a long while and Lucas stands there, staring at him, waiting him out.

“We were all friends in my old school. I was in their year, supposed to graduate with them when I…” he gestures vaguely and Lucas nods.

“We lost touch for a while after that. I still haven’t seen Idriss yet.”

“Were you close?”

Eliott laughs but it sounds sad, “Does having lunch every day at his house after school count as close?”

Lucas frowns, “I’d say so.”

Eliott nods distractedly, moving the pile aside to find another trousers.

“So, if you… wait, so you know Imane then?”

“Yeah. We all practically hung out together everyday.”

Lucas steps over the pile of clothes on the floor, takes the trousers out of Eliott’s hands and says, “Why didn’t you tell me you knew Imane?”

Eliott shrugs, “Didn’t think it was important.”

“Why would it not be?” Lucas is not angry, he’s just a little lost. So, he really wants to know what else he hasn't quite figured out about his boyfriend.

“Because… " he shrugs again. "Because we stopped talking, all of us. I left school and I was still with Lucille and... Lucille never liked my friends anyway. Idriss and I stopped hanging out so I didn’t see Imane either. Not until the meeting in the lounge. And I… I didn’t know if she still wanted to be friends with me, now that I’m no longer part of the gang.”

“Sofiane?” Lucas asks softly.

Eliott swallows hard, looking down at his feet. “I heard he went to Australia after graduating. We weren’t in contact.”

Eliott takes the trousers from Lucas again and the younger boy instinctively knows not to push further.

“Well, I’m glad you’re friends again. With Imane. With… Sofiane.”

“Me too,” Eliott smiles weakly and leans down to kiss his head before continuing with his task.

Lucas is still itching to find out why they stopped hanging out. It feels a little odd that they would distance themselves from Eliott just because he dropped out of school for his health reasons. Lucas wouldn’t stop hanging out with Yann or Arthur or Basille if one of them left school. But he’s contented for now that Eliott told me that much and he figures he’d ask some other time.

 

*****

Since they’re all on their break, Eliott and Lucas have been spending more time together, more than before which says a lot. But Lucas loves it all the same. He likes laying on his bed and playing games on his phone quietly, while Eliott sits at his desk, drawing pictures of whatever he fancies that day. He is enamoured with the way Eliott’s bright eyes slide from left to right, his face serious with concentration, as he reads the novel his mum bought for him while Lucas listens to music on his headphones. They look up easy recipes for pasta and cook together and the food was not nearly as horrible as their previous experiences in the kitchen.

When they stay at Eliott’s for a few days for a change of scenery, Lucas plays the piano, remembering the old lessons that he was forced to sit through at church. Initially, he learnt to play to accompany the choir during worship. But he quit when he turned 13 along with going to church. He didn’t like his mother very much at the time, and he didn’t appreciate her rants about God. Now that he’s older, has more experience dealing with his mother’s mental health issues, now that he knows she loves him regardless, that she would always put him first even when he assumed the worst of her, he finds that he feels free to play the piano again. It’s no longer attached to horrible memories.

In fact, now when he plays the piano, he thinks of the way Eliott’s eyes shone that first time, the arresting smile he directed at Lucas, the breathlessness with which he called Lucas surprising. Eliott once told him that he was infatuated with Lucas at first sight, on his first day in school. But he thinks he fell head over heels that night, listening to Lucas play, finding out there is so much depth in him that goes unshared. Eliott mentioned how he initially stopped Lucas at the threshold, wanting to lean in for a kiss, but was so terrified of being rejected that he adjusted his hair instead. Hair that actually wasn’t even out of place.

Lucas wonders sometimes, how their lives would have turned out if Eliott went for it that day. Would he have reciprocated? Would he have freaked out? Who is he kidding? He was so ready to kiss Eliott when he sat on the couch, watching Eliott as they passed a joint between them. He would have definitely kissed him back if Eliott initiated it. But maybe… just maybe, he would have done something stupid the next day. Like avoid Eliott entirely or tell him off rudely. He wasn’t ready, he knows now. He needed the time to process what he felt. It all worked out fine at the end so no regrets.

Lucas smiles to himself, revelling in their domesticity, as he brings over a mug of tea into the room. Eliott walks out of the shower then, wearing a black t-shirt and Lucas’ tracksuit. It’s slightly short on him, showing his ankles, and Eliott tugs it down a little before tying the strings around his waist. Lucas pulls at his hips from where he’s seated on the bed, his thumbs lifting the t-shirt slightly to rest against his hip bones.

He tilts his head at the tea on the bedside table and says cheekily, “Drink up first. I’ve got a plan for us.”

Lucas leans over to press his face against Eliott’s stomach over the t-shirt but Eliott moves back a little.

“Not now, love. I’ve got a different plan,” he laughs a little as he bends down to kiss the crown of Lucas’ head and reaches over to take the mug in his hands.

He clears his throat, a little nervously, and Lucas looks up at that.

“So, Lucas… I…” He takes a gulp of the tea.

“This is nice, baby. Thank you,” Eliott mumbles before continuing, “So, Sofiane called.”

“Okay?” Lucas tries to maintain as neutral a face as possible.

“The boys are playing football at Idriss’ house. He invited me over. I thought maybe… I’ll go, say hi to everyone.”

“I thought you said you and Idriss haven’t spoken since you left school?”

“Yeah, no, we haven’t. But Sofiane told Idriss that he met me and… I guess Idriss told him to invite me? I don’t know. I just thought I should take him up on the offer.”

Lucas gets up, looking at the clothes strewn on his bed.

“Okay, give me ten minutes. I’ll get changed.”

“What?” Eliott looks up from where he’s holding the mug against his lips.

“I’ll come over. I don’t want to play football all that much but I can hang out with Imane or something.”

“She’s probably not at home. She follows her mum to the mosque on Fridays.”

Lucas feels a little taken aback that Eliott knows Imane’s schedule better than he does. If they were that close, why didn’t either one of them say anything to Lucas before?

Eliott puts the mug down on the bedside table and wraps his arms loosely around Lucas’ shoulders.

“Babe, I would love for you to join us. But I honestly don’t know where I stand with the boys right now. I told you, it’s been a while. Maybe I should go alone this time, settle that. If all goes well and I get a second invitation, I’ll bring you with me, okay?”

Eliott leans against his forehead and Lucas feels embarrassed. He didn’t want to come off as intrusive or anything.

“No, yeah, yeah totally. I didn’t wanna hang out with them anyway. I mean… sure I wanna get to know your friends but it’ll be too awkward. I just thought I’ll get to see Imane. It’s fine, totally fine,” he rambles.

“It’s fine?” Eliott asks with a smile, bumping their noses together.

“Yeah. I’m gonna go hang out with Yann.”

“Okay, you have fun, alright?” Eliott says, giving him a quick peck on the lips.

“You too.”

“I miss you already,” Eliott says loudly as he exits the room and Lucas hears Lisa gripe about the noise in the living room as Eliott laughs.

There’s really nothing to this. There’s no reason to feel left out. They’re happy. Eliott has spent almost two entire weeks with him, never going anywhere without him. They both need this. It’s healthy. Why the fuck is he feeling like shit? He grabs his phone from his pocket and sends out a quick text in the group, asking the boys if they want to hang out. He’s going to live his life like a normal person and not sit around imagining scenarios about people he has never met. Lucas slaps his own face thrice, getting his mind out of its spiral, and goes to take a shower while he waits for a text from his friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would appreciate it if you could leave a comment with your thoughts. :)


	3. okay, so i'm the dragon

but the princess looks into her mirror and only sees the princess,  
while I’m out here, slogging through the mud, breathing fire,  
and getting stabbed to death.  
Okay, so I’m the dragon. Big deal.  
You still get to be the hero.  
\- Richard Siken

Lucas takes one last swig of the vodka as he stares at the clock ticking away. 1.37 am. He turns the bottle over against his tongue, lapping on the final drops. He hasn’t seen Eliott in nearly 9 hours. He should have taken Yann up on his offer; he could have been pissed drunk with something other than his bitter loneliness for company. When he came out of the shower sometime after 5 in the evening, the boys had replied to his text message about hanging out. Basille was out with Daphne, Arthur was on a 3-day vacation with his family, and Yann was going to a party with Chloe. He asked Lucas to join him but Lucas didn’t feel like it. He still feels uncomfortable around Chloe and he knows that somewhere deep down, Eliott still resents her for the hell she put Lucas through when she told everyone that he was gay before he was ready. He also sensed that Eliott got jealous when he saw Chloe and Lucas talking in Blaise's party. It’s probably residual exasperation from the time that he had to watch Chloe practically throw herself at Lucas’ whenever she was with him.

Lucas likes to think that he’s the kind of guy that puts his boyfriend first, even when Eliott doesn't outright ask him to stay away from Chloe. He stays home instead, looking through the pantry for Mika’s bottle of vodka. Mika was out with his date tonight, presumably not coming home, and Lisa didn’t leave her bedroom after 9 pm. And Eliott still isn’t home. Fucking great!

He texted Lucas at 8 pm, saying he was going to have dinner with the boys and asking how was Lucas’ night was with Yann and the gang. Lucas just replied saying “okay, have fun. I miss you.” To which the older boy replied with heart emojis and nothing else.

And then at 10 pm, Eliott sent another text, “Babe, I’m still with the boys. Will be coming home late. Don’t stay up.”

Lucas didn’t bother replying that one because he was well on his way of getting drunk and was too annoyed to even try. But now, he’s just miserable and angry and lonely and… he just can’t.

He types out, “Dude. Are you fucking serious? Where the hell are you?” and stares at it for a beat.  

He erases the message, typing instead, “Eliott, where are you?”

He got a reply in two minutes saying, “On my way home. Sofiane’s driving me back.”

Lucas sucks in a breath through his nostrils, drops the phone on the coffee table loudly, and kicks at a cushion that had fallen to the floor a few times. Of course. Of course, Sofiane is still with him. Driving him home. Great.

He lays back on the couch, crosses his arm, and closes his eyes, letting fatigue wash over him. He doesn’t know how long he has been asleep but he hears the door open and Eliott calling softly upon seeing the light still on in the living room.

“Lucas?”

He hears Eliott’s footsteps approaching the couch and keeps his eyes shut, maintaining the façade of sleep. He can’t talk to Eliott right now. Something unpleasant is brewing under his skin and he simultaneously wants to cry and scream and he’s not going to be that crazy right now.

He feels Eliott’s palm, cold to the touch from being out at night, push back the hair on his forehead, as he whispers, “Lucas?”

Lucas moves away from the touch slightly, not wanting to lean into it, but at the same time, not wanting Eliott to realise he’s upset.

Eliott leaves Lucas on the couch and heads into the room, stripping his hoodie on his way. Lucas cracks open an eye and realises that it isn’t Eliott’s hoodie. Not even Lucas’. Eliott only wore his t-shirt on his way out. Lucas closes his eyes as he feels angry tears beginning to form. Is he wearing fucking Sofiane’s clothes now? And he just what, up and left Lucas on the couch instead of waking him up and asking him to go to bed? Like what the fuck?

Lucas turns to his side, facing the couch, wiping away the tears. His mind is reeling as he hears Eliott in the bathroom, turning the creaky faucet of his shower. Eliott always complained about the water pressure, how the faucet makes more noise than the actual sound of water hitting the tiles.

 _What is he washing away? Okay, fuck no. No. Don’t go there. You’re just drunk right now. Sleep it off,_ Lucas thinks as he pushes his face against the cushion and tries to fall asleep again.

Before he could doze off, Eliott comes out of the shower and he hears his footsteps in the kitchen, the sound of glass clinking together, and then water pouring from the pitcher. He tunes out the sound, feeling annoyed and thinking too loudly in his head. So, it startles him when he feels Eliott’s touch, his body jerking a little.

“Hey, baby. Sorry. Didn’t mean to wake you up.”

Lucas doesn’t reply but he relents when Eliott loops an arm around his shoulder, another under his thighs, and slowly carries him. Eliott is not wearing his shirt, only a pair of boxer shorts and Lucas can’t help but press his face against the older boy’s collarbone, inhaling the clean scent of soap on his skin.

Eliott carries him to bed, lays him down gently on his side, removing Lucas’ jeans that he wore after showering, thinking he’d be going out. Lucas lifts his hips to help him remove it. He’s starting to feel a little less resentful knowing that Eliott wasn’t going to let him sleep alone on the couch. Eliott climbs into bed next to him, kisses his temple, mumbles good night and falls asleep, head turning away from Lucas.

Lucas, despite feeling like the world is spinning from all that alcohol, forces himself to stare at Eliott’s silhouette in the dark, the steady rise and fall of his chest, the notch below his Adam’s apple deepening with every inhale, before he falls prey to sleep himself.

*****

He wakes up in bed, alone, his head pulsing and eyes glued together. For a moment, his hangover was all he could think about before he heard the quiet notes of M83’s “Wait,” drifting in from the kitchen. Eliott listens to the whole album in the morning sometimes, while having his breakfast. Up until yesterday, Lucas loved it, he was fond of Eliott’s little routines, he imagined someday moving in with Eliott and waking up to the sound of Eliott’s favourite music. Not dubstep, hell no. But Eliott does listen to a variety of music that Lucas has grown to love too. But right now, he feels a knot in his stomach that has less to do with the hangover and more to do with not knowing what’s happening with him and Eliott.

He doesn’t wash up quickly and join Eliott the way he does every morning. He lays in bed, idling away, not wanting to face Eliott before figuring out his own conflicted feelings. When he eventually walks out of the room after accidentally sleeping again for three hours, he finds Eliott on the kitchen counter, tracing with a black pen, a sketch of an astronaut with a skeletal face that he must have drawn in the morning. The house is quiet, no music except the sound of Eliott humming and Lisa’s muted TV show from behind the closed doors of her room.

Mika had texted Lucas in the morning, saying that he was going to go for brunch with his date before coming home. It’s a quarter past 12 in the afternoon and Lucas is starving. He walks into the kitchen and Eliott turns around, face lighting up. He gives Lucas a kiss on his lips that Lucas doesn’t quite respond to but his boyfriend doesn’t notice it. As Lucas reaches past Eliott for bread that Manon baked yesterday morning, Eliott stops him.

“Oh baby, you have to eat the bread with this.”

He crosses to the fridge, pulls out a Tupperware and opens it, showing Lucas.

“Kefta Mkaouara,” Eliott says, smiling excitedly.

When he sees Lucas’ confused frown, he clarifies, “It’s like… It’s stew, with meatballs and tomato sauce and poached eggs on top. Moroccan dish. It’s slightly spicy but you must try it. It’s the best.”

Eliott pretends to kiss his fingers like an Italian chef and laughs, amused with himself. Lucas just stares at him, unable to muster a smile.

“I’ll heat it for you real quick,” Eliott says moving towards the microwave.

“I’m hungover. I think I’ll just have bread and butter.”

“Oh no, baby, this will totally cure your hangover. It’s _that_ good. My absolute favourite!” He presses the button to start heating the food. “We made it yesterday, together. Well, Sofiane made it. He’s the cook, really. But we helped. I cut the ingredients and all and Idriss…”

Lucas can’t be bothered to listen further. The mention of Sofiane’s name makes his heckles rise. He glares at the back of Eliott’s head but the older boy doesn’t stop.

“Sofiane perfected the art, man. He really picked up after his mum. Have I told you about his mum? She is absolutely lovely—”

“No, Eliott,” Lucas interjects roughly. “You didn’t even tell me about Sofiane, let alone his lovely mother or whatever the fuck.”

Eliott turns then, ignoring the beeping sound the microwave makes.

“Lucas, what—”

“Seriously, this is why you were fucking late? Cause what, you wanted to cook stew with Sofiane?”

“I told you we were having dinner and I w—”

“And then what? Were you wearing Sofiane’s hoodie last night? Huh? Were you hiding it from me?”

“What?” Eliott asks softly, taken aback by Lucas’ hostility.

“You heard me. Were you wearing his fucking hoodie?”

“Yes…” Eliott drags uncertainly. “It was cold outside and we ate dinner in his mother's garden. But I wasn’t hiding anything. It’s in the washing machine.”

“Oh wow, how fun. Dinner in the garden, yeah? While I sat around here waiting for you. Like a fool!”

Eliott straightens up then, his eyes starting to narrow in annoyance. “Did I ask that of you? I told you not to wait up. You told me you were going to hang out with your friends anyway. Why didn’t you?”

“Oh, now they are _my_ friends. Cause you have your own friends, is that it?”

Eliott runs both hands across his hair, messing it up more than usual.

“You know what? I think I’m gonna go,” he takes the container out of the microwave, placing it on the table. “Eat if you want. Or keep it in the fridge for Mika or somebody.”

“And where are you going?”

“Home,” Eliott answers curtly, moving to stack the sketch papers on the table.

“Why? You’d rather hang out with _your_ friends?”

Lucas knows he’s venturing into a dangerous territory. They’ve never quite had a fight like this. Never egging each other on. This is childish, he knows. But he can’t help it. All his pent up anger and insecurities make him want to pick a fight.

Eliott doesn’t answer. Just packs his stuff into his backpack.

“Your “friends” ” Lucas exaggerates with air quotes, “ _dumped_ you cause you moved out of school. They didn’t give a shit about what happened to you. What kind of fucking friends are they? Now they make stew and what? You’re all buddies now? You’re gonna just up and leave half a day at a time? No explanation, nothing.”

Eliott stops zipping up his bag, stares Lucas dead in the eyes. Lucas feels a chill run down his spine. He knows he crossed a line. But he isn’t going to back down now.

“I didn’t get in a relationship with you for you to turn into Lucille overnight,” Eliott’s voice is quiet but biting.

Unlike Lucas, Eliott doesn’t raise his voice. But he is capable of just as much venom as Lucas.

“I’m gonna go now. Call me when you’re done with your histrionics,” Eliott finishes.

When Eliott closes the door behind him, Lucas throws out the meal, container and all, into the trash can in anger. Then he sits on the chair that Eliott was sitting on earlier, takes in the sudden absence, and presses his palms against his eyes as the tears start spilling. He doesn’t look up when he hears Lisa’s door open and her footsteps approach him. He doesn’t say a word when she asks tentatively if he’s okay. And he doesn’t pull away when she awkwardly leans her chin against his bowed back, hands hesitantly curling around his body in a hug.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think. :)   
> P/S: I hate myself for making this angstier than I wanted it to be


	4. love like a religion

You said I could have anything I wanted, but I

just couldn’t say it out loud.

Actually, you said _Love, for you_

_is larger than the usual romantic love. It’s like a religion._

_It’s terrifying. No one_

_will ever want to sleep with you._

\- Richard Siken

 

 

Lucas mopes around the house for three days but absolutely refuses to text Eliott. He imagined that Eliott would have reached out by now, but he hasn’t. So much for counting down every minute he’s not with Lucas, huh? It just makes him angrier, more dejected. Eliott is not the first person to walk out on Lucas, to quit him when things get hard. But a few days ago, Lucas would have sworn that Eliott would never make the list in the first place. He lies in bed for hours at a time because moving hurts, breathing hurts. Everything hurts.

On the fourth day, he hears a gentle knock on his door. It’s not Mika, because he never knocks. It’s not Lisa because she’s bad at comforting people. It’s not Manon because she already dropped by in the morning.

“What?” he grumbles irritatedly.

The door opens slightly and he hears, “That’s no way to speak to a friend” before he registers the blue head scarf in the relative darkness of the room.

She walks in and pulls the curtains back, letting the remaining daylight into the room. Lucas groans in protest, pressing his face against his pillow.

“So I heard that lover boy had a feud during the weekend?”

Lucas doesn’t dignify it with a response. Imane pushes him over, gets in the bed next to him and watches him as he shifts to lie on his back, hugging a pillow against his torso.

“You wanna talk about it?” she asks gently, pushing his hair back.

When she’s met with silence, she sighs and continues, “What are best friends for if not for this?”

Lucas smirks up at her, “Aaww, I’m your best friend now?”

He tries to joke about it but deep down, he’s feeling too awful to even start discussing his problems.

“Shut up,” she replies. “Now, talk to me. What’s going on?”

“I’m getting mixed signals. You want me to shut up or you want me to talk?”

She pulls the pillow out of his grasp and hits him on the face with it.

“Manon told me you were upset with Eliott. And I met Eliott last night, he didn’t look too great either.”

“He came to your house?” Lucas asks, curious.

“No. My brother’s friend is organising an event in the community center. We were there to help him decorate and Eliott came too.”

“Sofiane,” Lucas deadpans.

Imane looks at him for a second, disconcerted. “Yes, Sofiane.”

“Of course,” Lucas rolls his eyes.

Imane’s brows furrow as she asks, “What’s your problem with Sofiane?”

Lucas sighs deeply and Imane insists, pulling at his shirt sleeve.

“I’m not dumb, Imane. I know okay? Him and Sofiane? I saw them at the party.”

Imane looks taken aback, “What party?”

“Blaise’s. I saw everything. You pulling Manon away, Eliott hugging Sofiane. The other night, he came home so late, wearing Sofiane’s hoodie. The first thing he did was remove it and take a shower before waking me up and I just—”

Imane interrupts, “Oh come on, Lucas. Sofiane is nothing but his friend now, okay? All that is in the past now. I swear, Eliott only has eyes for you.”

“Wait what?” Lucas asks, sitting up abruptly.

His mind is whirring a mile a minute. He can feel his heart tripping in a very unpleasant way, dread settling heavy on his stomach.

“What do you mean _now_? Nothing but his friend _now_?”

Imane stares at his, eyes wide, looking like she stopped breathing for a second.

“Lucas, what were you actually saying? I may have mis--misunderstood. Let’s start over.”

“No! Let’s not. What the fuck does that mean? What happened between them?” Lucas says, fully turning towards her, his hands curling into fists as he holds on to the pillow, acting as a barrier between them.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I was just… I don’t know—”

“You said we are best friends, Imane,” he spits out. “I know you’re keeping something from me. I’ve known it since I saw you talking to him in the classroom. At least do me the courtesy of saying it right now, for fucks sake, Imane!” his voice growing louder.

Imane looks down at her hands and Lucas sees the slight tremor. She closes her eyes and breathes deeply through her nostrils. He opens his mouth to persuade her but she cuts him off with her hand up.

“It’s nothing as big or awful as you are imagining. That much I can assure you. But it’s not my story to tell. Eliott will tell you when he feels like it. Just trust him a little more, Lucas. He has never given you reasons to not trust him,” she placates.

“Bullshit. He has always kept his life a secret until one thing or another goes down and he is forced to confront it. He’s not gonna open up and say shit!”

“I’m sure he has his reasons--” Imane tries again.

“Like what? Cheating on me? It’s not entirely impossible with him, you know?. He cheated on Lucille with me. And she told me that I wasn’t the first one either. So really, what the fuck else could be the reason?”

“Lucas, stop!” Imane raises her voice.

Lucas looks over at her, stunned by the sudden shift in tone. His eyes water as he sees the sympathetic look she gives him.

“Stop torturing yourself like this. You want answers, fine. But it’s not going to come from me. It’s just not right, Lucas.”

He angrily swipes at the tears pouring down his face with his shirt.

He chokes when he replies, “We were... too happy. I know bett—better. I know better. Nothing that good lasts. Not for me. Never for me.”

Imane reaches over and side-hugs him, carefully cradling his teary face against her shoulder as her fingers rub his arm in circles. He knows this is momentous, Imane does not hug boys. Any other day, he would have appreciated it more. But not today. He just cries harder, wiping the snot on his t-shirt. He can’t be bothered to look dignified when he feels like he has swallowed glass.

Imane whispers against his hair, “Sssshhhh. It’s not what you’re thinking. It’s really not. Eliott will talk to you. I promise. I’ll tell him that I… you know. That I made this a lot worse. He will talk to you.”

Lucas closes his eyes and lets the tears fall, not responding to her.

“If it makes you feel any better, Sofiane is… Sofiane likes me.”

Lucas looks up at her then, confused. How is that supposed to make him feel better?

She smiles down at him. “I didn’t tell anyone else okay. Nobody. Not my brother. Not even Manon. I’m telling you because… you know. Best friends and all.” She jostles his arm playfully.

“Sofiane likes _me_. And I… I like him. We’ve always had something, since we were younger. So, it’s really not what you’re thinking, okay?”

Lucas doesn’t know what to think but he wants to believe Imane’s reassurance. He’s going to lose his mind otherwise. He leans away from her, against the headboard of his bed, closes his eyes and breathes deeply, over and over again. When he opens his eyes, he sees Imane looking down at her phone.

She notices his gaze and sighs, “There. I told Eliott about this stupid mess I just created. It’s only a matter of time before he talks to you. So, just be calm okay? You’ll find out soon enough.”

Lucas nods once and looks ahead, staring at the wall opposite him. The crying has made him a little numb, thankfully.

“And Lucas?”

He swivels his head, eyes half-lidded.

“You gotta stop thinking good things won’t last for you. It will. Because you deserve to be happy. Eliott too. You have to think better of yourself, man.”

He snorts, but there is no amusement in his expression. Just disbelief.

“Fuck, Lucas, you are good enough! You are good for Eliott. If only you see yourself the way he sees you.”

Lucas bites his tongue from saying something self-deprecating. He just nods once, so she’ll stop trying to hammer it into him. He’s tired. He just wants to sleep. He says as much.

“Okay, I’ll leave you to it.”

She gets up to go, helpfully adjusting the elastic of the bed sheet on one corner before it comes off and removing the blanket off the floor, folding it quickly and placing it next to him. She picks up the plate that Mika brought in earlier with pasta for lunch and moves to close the door behind her.

She hesitates for a second at the door and says, “Lucas?”

“Hmmm,” he replies, sliding down from the headboard to lay his head on a pillow.

“I never told anyone about…” she tilts her head a little and he knows she means Sofiane. “Not even to him. So, keep it to yourself?”

He nods as he spreads the blanket on his legs and she leaves with a quiet thank you.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAHHH I'M MAKING MYSELF SAD! hELP


	5. forget the dragon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To all the people saying you need a chapter NOW,  
> *runs towards you holding this out like a baton*  
> I got you, I got you, I got you...

 

Forget the dragon,

leave the gun on the table,

this has nothing to do with happiness.

Let’s jump ahead to the moment

of epiphany, in gold light.

\- Richard Siken

 

Lucas wakes up feeling like his head is bloated from oversleeping. He feels sticky and crumpled and awful, aching at his joints because he slept curled up for too long. He pulls his phone off the charger and looks at it to check the time, but sees instead 4 missed calls from Eliott last night. He opens his chat and sees Eliott’s messages.

**Eliott: Lucas**

**Eliott: Talk to me**

**_Online missed call at 10.47 pm_ **

**Eliott: Mika said you’re asleep. Text me when you wake up**

**Eliott: Please**

Lucas drops the phone on his chest and exhales, feeling miserable.

**Lucas: What?**

He waits for 5 minutes before leaving his phone on the bed, to take a shower. When he returns, he sees 2 more missed calls from Eliott that he had just missed.

**Eliott: Baby**

**Eliott: Do you wanna come over to my place?**

**Eliott: I’ll make you breakfast**

**Eliott: We can talk**

Lucas doesn’t tease him about his cooking like he would have any other day.

**Lucas: About what?**

**Eliott: Imane told me what happened**

**Eliott: Come over and we’ll talk**

**Eliott: I promise**

A part of Lucas wants to resist just for the heck of it, to make Eliott feel what he’s feeling. But the larger part of him is hurting and is scared of losing Eliott. He wears his clothes on autopilot when he gets another phone call from Eliott.

He picks it up and hears Eliott’s soft voice, sounding tired “Hello? Lucas?”

Lucas merely groans in response.

“You want me to come over there instead?” Eliott asks tentatively.

“No. I’ll come.”

“Okay, okay. Okay yeah, that’s good. It will be better, there’s no one here and—”

Lucas just puts down the phone, not listening further. He looks at his reflection on the mirror, eyes swollen, lips dry. He thinks to himself, _well, if he’s cheating, what are you gonna do?_ His throat almost shuts at the thought of leaving Eliott. _Maybe, we can move on from that. I’ll just… I’ll forgive him. I’ll give him another chance—What happens if he does it again then? Again and again? Maybe he just can’t do relationships. He couldn’t make it work with Lucille. I’m not all that special._

His thought is interrupted when his phone chimes with a message from Manon.

**Manon: Hey, you awake?**

**Manon: Was thinking…**

**Manon: we can all go for breakfast together. :D**

**Lucas: Can’t. Going to see Eliott.**

**Manon: Oh okay.**

**Manon: Send him my regards. Have fun. <3**

Nothing about this is fun but he doesn’t want to drag her into this. He shoves his wallet and phone into his pocket and leaves the apartment with a mere wave at Mika’s direction.

*****

Eliott opens the door immediately after Lucas knocked, as though he had been waiting for his arrival. He has a small smile on his face as he says, “Hello,” and leans in for a kiss. Lucas dodges it and moves past him into the living room and sits on the couch.

Eliott walks in hesitantly, leaning against the piano, “Have you eaten? I’ve got croissants. And I can make you coffee.”

Lucas sits on the edge of the cushion, elbows leaning against his knees, eyes fixed on his shoes, and asks pointedly, “Are you cheating on me?”

“What? Am I ch—Come on, Lucas. You know me better than that,” Eliott answers, starting to sound irritated.

“Do I? Do I really? You cheated on Lucille with me—”

“And you cheated on Chloe with me. I don’t go around being suspicious of you, do I?”

“It’s different.”

“How the fuck is it different?” Eliott asks, frustrated.

“Because I didn’t have feelings for Chloe. It was always you! I used her so no one could tell I was gay for _you_! It’s fucked up but it was always about you. It’s not the same.”

“And I left Lucille because I was in love with _you_. I told you, nothing else mattered after I met you. I meant it.”

“But I’m not your first. Lucille told me, alright? I’m not the first person you cheated with.”

“When did you speak to Lucille?” Eliott crosses his arm, his voice getting lower as he gets angry.

“Does it matter?”

“Yes, Lucas. Yes, it does. Why have you been going behind my back? You really have that little trust in me?” Eliott’ voice cracks at the end of the sentence.

“I wasn’t…” Lucas shakes his head, looking up at Eliott then. “I wasn’t going behind your back. Not like that. That first night, after we came home from the…” he gestures wildly, “you were in bed all day, you didn’t move, didn’t speak, didn’t eat. Lucille told me your parents were worried and looking for you. So I texted her to say that you’re with me. And she asked if we could meet? I didn’t… I mean what else can I do? I’ve never dealt with this before and I wanted to know what’s going on and—and what I can do to help you. She was the only other person whom I could call.”

“And? What did she say? That I’m just inherently unfaithful? Is that it? Was that really helpful?” Eliott asks, his eyes narrowing as his speech speeds up.

“No. She said I wasn’t the first person. But she also said I wasn’t like the others. You didn’t… the way you spoke about me, she said I was different. That _you_ were different with me than anyone else. Including her. She said she envied what I had with you.”

Eliott just blinks in surprise for a few moments, hands dropping down to lean against the piano. He breathes deeply, closing his eyes for a moment, recollecting himself.

“That’s because you _are_ different, Lucas. I’ve never felt this way with anyone else. I’m not cheating on you. I will never do that to you. If this,” he gestures between them, “God forbid, if this doesn’t work out in the future, I will tell you. I won’t cheat on you. What you and I have… it’s different okay? I loved Lucille. For a long time, I did. But not like you.”

Lucas’ eyes tear up and he feels helpless all of a sudden. Lost, not knowing what to say or do. He lets his head fall when he can’t stop his tears.

Eliott moves then, kneels on the floor in front of Lucas and takes his face in his hands. Lucas closes his eyes as Eliott wipes the tears away.

“Baby, I love you. I need you to know that. I need you to be able to trust me when I tell you that.”

He whispers back, “I love you too,” as he inhales deeply when Eliott rests his forehead against Lucas’.

“I will tell you everything you want to know. But you must be willing to listen. Wit--without making this about you. I mean… that didn’t come out right. I mean, what happened in my past is not who I am now, with you. I love you, I’ve loved you for a while now. You cannot forget that.”

Lucas nods, covering Eliott’s hands with his as Eliott kisses his forehead and cheeks. Lucas, eyes still closed, leans in, expecting to be kissed. When Eliott kisses him, it’s so gentle that he feels like he might break from how tender it is. He pushes against Eliott, kissing him harder.

Lucas runs his hands over Eliott's back, pushing his shirt up to feel the warmth of Eliott's soft skin. Oh how he has missed Eliott, this last week has been hell.

He parts his lips, inviting Eliott in but Eliott breaks the kiss and says firmly, “No.”

Lucas opens his eyes slowly, “No?”

“We’re not repeating this cycle of falling into bed before we talk things over. I don’t want us to hurt like this ever again.”

Lucas nods slowly, agreeing.

“I’m going to make us coffee while you have something to eat. And then we’ll talk. Whatever you want to know, I promise to answer honestly. Okay?”

“Okay…”

“But with one condition.”

“What?”

Eliott presses a chaste kiss on his lips before saying, “We’re going to have to talk about why you can’t trust me.”

“I—I trust…”

“No, you don’t. And that’s okay. I mean it's not _okay..._ but I’m getting the sense that this is bigger than me. We’re gonna figure it out. We’ll work through it. Together. Okay?”

Lucas nods, “Together. I like the sound of that.”

“Alright, my little darling,” Eliott playfully kisses Lucas’ nose. “Let’s get some food into your growly belly. It’s ruining the mood.”

“Shut up,” Lucas laughs a little as he pushes against Eliott’s chest.

Eliott grins at him, intertwining his fingers into Lucas’, and stands up.

“Ugh, I busted my knees for you,” he groans, dragging Lucas up.

“If that ain’t love, I don’t know what is,” Lucas retorts, rolling his eyes playfully.

“Hey, that’s true, you know?” Eliott laughs, pulling him into the kitchen.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, initially I was going to have this chapter be the ultimate declaration of love and all that shit, cause you know, we deserve ALL the fluff. But I want these little croissants to be more than passionately, dramatically in love. I want healthy conversations, I want healing, i want safety and comfort and looking out for each other. Cause that's how you know this shit is gonna last forever, am I right? So yeah, Imma take this slow. Let me know what you think?


	6. all of his love and all of his loss

I can't live here.   
In my body, I mean.   
I can't live in my body all the time, it feels too much.   
So if I ever feel far away know I am not gone.   
I am just underneath my grief,   
adjusting the dial on my radio faith   
so I can take this life with all of its love   
and all of its loss."   
\- Andrea Gibson, _Royal Heart_

An easy silence falls between them as they eat breakfast together, Lucas dipping his croissant periodically in his hot coffee. Eliott types a message awkwardly with one hand on his phone as he holds a croissant with another. From where Lucas is sitting, opposite him on the kitchen island, he can’t make out who Eliott is texting.

When Eliott turns off his phone and tears a small portion of the croissant, Lucas clears his throat awkwardly, his gaze shifting from the phone to Eliott’s face, and he asks, “Soooo... what did Imane tell you?”

Eliott looks confused, eyes flitting back to the phone, before replying, “That wasn’t Imane. That was my mum asking if we want to go over for lunch today.”

When Lucas doesn’t answer, he continues, “Don't worry, I told her not today. We’re a bit…” Eliot gestures between them with the hand still holding the ripped bread, “busy.”

Lucas rolls his eyes but he smiles when he sees Eliott look uncertain by Lucas’ reaction.

“Anywaaay,” Lucas offers, “that wasn’t what I was talking about. You said Imane told you what happened. What did she tell you?”

When the phone vibrates, Lucas instinctively looks at it before taking a sip of coffee, palms around the mug for warmth, but Eliott doesn’t open the text. He pauses, eyeing Lucas for a few long seconds, and then gently pushes his phone with his pinky finger towards Lucas.

“The password is your birthdate. You can read it yourself if you want,” Eliott says, chewing his food thoughtfully.

 “What?” Lucas asks, putting the mug down slowly.

“Imane's text. The password is your birthdate. 2—”

Lucas pushes the phone back, interrupting Eliott. “Jesus, I’m not nine kinds of crazy, Eliott.”

When Eliott raises his eyebrow, Lucas tries to remedy the situation quickly, “I mean… You know what I mean. I’m not—I’m not that kind of overbearing, stalkerish boyfriend.”

“I didn’t say you were.”

The two of them silently regard each other and Lucas adds quietly, “And you might want to change the password now that you’ve told me.”

Eliott answers easily, “I don’t have to. I trust you.”

Lucas reaches over to slap his forearm, “Is that a jab towards me? For not “trusting” you?”

“No--What? No. I’m just saying that I don’t think you’ll violate my personal space like that unless I offered it up, the way I just did.”

“Oh…”

“Well, you want me to just tell you then, what Imane said?”

“Yeah.”

“She said, you weren’t very comfortable with me hanging out with Sofiane since you saw us talking at Blaise’s party or something. Especially since you don’t really know any of my friends and then suddenly, it feels like… I don’t know, I’m spending time alone with all these new people and it may have appeared to you,” he traces the rim of his coffee mug, “like Imane was also in this with me. And you may have… misread the situation between me and Sofiane?”

He looks up at Lucas for confirmation and the younger boy slowly casts his gaze down, feeling a little silly.

“And then…” Eliott clears his throat, sounding nervous, “she said, to you, something along the lines of... Sofiane is old story and it sent you spiralling cause… cause you thought….”

Lucas sees Eliott struggling to finish the sentence and he exhales guiltily, “That you were going behind my back.”

Eliott nods before adding, “You might want to text Imane later, she’s feeling very guilty.”

 “Hmmm.”

Eliott sighs deeply, tilting his head back, closing his eyes before blinking at the ceiling a few times.

“Okay,” he mumbles under his breath.

His eyes finally settle on Lucas and he says softly, “Okay, okay, fine, let’s do this.”

Lucas merely raises his eyebrow in question and Eliott starts speaking softly but quickly, fingernail scratching at a burn mark on the kitchen island where the wood has risen from heat, “I know Sofiane since I was 13. I knew Idriss first, in primary school. And Idriss introduced me to Sofiane, they used to go to the mosque together and Sofiane was in the same school with us later. We were very tight friends, we played football together, hung out at Idriss’ place, during break in school, all of that. And then… I started dating Lucille at 15? And…and I spent a lot of time with her, which was like fine and all. Sometime after-- like a year after maybe, I don’t know the exact timeline, I was—I was starting to develop some... symptoms but no--nobody noticed. I didn’t either. I wasn’t sleeping properly at night, I was all keyed up, coming up with a lot of ideas, having sex a lot…Nobody noticed. Nobody thought it was weird. But it _was_ , I felt weird, out of control…” he swallows his words.

Lucas reaches out, caressing his forearm encouragingly and Eliott soldiers on, “Anyway… around the same time, I started working on some of the ideas I had with Sofiane. He is good with all the camera stuff, editing pictures, videos, stuff like that. One of it was Polaris. We also did some photography things together, I’ll draw cartoon animals and he’ll snap pictures of them with different landscapes, I’ll show you some of them later.”

He looks up then and Lucas smiles, asking, “Was that how you decided you were a racoon?”

Eliott laughs a little, “Yeah. Yeah, it was.”

He then removes his hand from the mug and intertwines his fingers with Lucas’, rubbing circles on the back of his palm instead.

He looks out the window now, speaking solemnly, “I was just really wired up, you know? I thought I was on the path to greatness or some shit. The next famous artist.”

He huffs self-deprecatingly and Lucas squeezes his hand. Eliott doesn’t glance at Lucas, swallowing the lump in his throat.

“Lucille… it was too much for her. Fair enough. I was kinda—yeah I was weird. She used to get irritated, and her way of talking… She doesn’t mean any harm but she sometimes puts things negatively. She used to tell me to stop fucking around and get serious with my studies, that I wasn’t going to be famous for doodling. And I’ll get like” he pauses, “massively angry.”

He looks at Lucas then, “I told you, I get snappy. I couldn’t… I still don’t know how to control it.”

“You’re doing better, Eliott,” Lucas interrupts. “Give yourself that.”

Eliott nods, ducking his head again, “Anywaaaay…Sofiane was the only encouraging one. Kept me occupied, would come running every time I fought with Lucille. To cheer me up. Distract me. When I started feeling anxious, like I can’t breathe, he’ll come over, stay the night. The number of times he has ran out of class to meet me in the toilet cause I started panicking, or sit with me outside the principal’s office cause I lashed out at some teacher who scolded me for doodling in class, or… I don’t know. I wasn’t doing well. He was there. And I only ever called him. Not Lucille. Not Idriss. I didn’t talk to my parents properly either. It was just… just a lot, I guess.”

He gets up awkwardly to fill their mugs with coffee again. As he reheats the coffee, his back turned to Lucas, he says, “He was… he was my Yann. Does that make sense?”

Lucas blinks in surprise at that association.

He once told Eliott about Yann when he was drunk and upset because that unfortunate night, he had overheard Emma talking to Manon, when he was sitting near them at a party, “I get how you’re feeling, girl. I’m not saying get in a relationship, I’m saying just have fun. Meet new guys.”

Manon laughed a little sarcastically before saying, “No, I don’t think you _do_ get it.”

“Why not?” Emma’s head lolled towards Manon, challenging her.

“Because… you’re like over it. You’re with Alex. It’s not like that with me and Charles. It was intense with him.”

Emma replied bitingly, “Yeah, it’s _totally_ not, right? I mean it’s not like I was madly in love with Yann, it’s not like he was the love of my life, right? Not like you and Charles.”

She rolled her eyes and snorted dismissively, “I’m with Alex cause when I’m sleeping around, I don’t have to think about who Yann is with, whether he misses me, whether I’ll ever find someone for me again. Alex distracts me. That’s what I’m telling you. Cause, girl,” she gulped down her beer in one go, “if I actually dealt with my feelings and started crying over Yann, I wouldn’t be able to stop. I’d practically drown in it.”

She crumpled her plastic cup, placed it on her chair and walked resolutely to the dancefloor, dancing with some random people as though nothing happened.

Lucas went home immediately after, saw Eliott studying till late on his bed, and practically fell into his lap, crying. He was worried that he didn't deserve to have Eliott after ruining things for Yann and Emma. They obviously still cared deeply for each other. Lucas almost lost Eliott a couple of times and he remembers the pain too vividly. How could he inflict that on his friends? He isn’t religious anymore, but for that one moment, he confessed everything to Eliott, hoping that some force in the universe would wipe his slates clean and give him the forgiveness he couldn’t afford himself. Eliott ran his fingers through Lucas’ hair the whole night, holding him close until he fell asleep on Eliott’s lap.

So, Lucas gets it, he does. He isn’t surprised that this is where the story was headed. Lucille did mention someone else. Another guy. And Eliott himself indirectly signalled that first night when they were lying together in bed, kissing each other, that he wasn’t Eliott’s first guy.

But he has to clarify still, “You mean like… who Yann is to me _now_? Or who Yann _was_ when I…”

He leaves it hanging because it’s still a sore spot for him, a humiliating experience. Being obsessed with his straight best friend, going so far as to sabotage his relationship with the one girl he truly loved and who truly loved him back. He irreparably broke something beautiful. That’s on him.

Eliott’s back hunches over as he leans forward against the sink, the coffee machine making a gurgling noise in the background.

“I thought… I thought I was in love with him.”

When Eliott doesn’t continue, or even move as the coffee machine stops, Lucas quietly prompts, “Was he in love with you?”

 “No. God, no,” Eliott laughs self-deprecatingly. “He loved me plenty, but not like that. He just _saw_ me… like really paid attention, he knew I was struggling with something, he noticed when no one else did, and he wanted to be there for me. Hell, he used to pray for me all the time. Make his mum cook for me and pack food to school. I was his best friend, I was… family. He wanted to take care of me.”

“That’s nice…” Lucas says cautiously, not knowing how to deal with the revelation and Eliott still not looking at him.

“No, not really. Cause I was obsessed, Lucas. You wouldn’t believe. I’d lie to Lucille, cancel dates with her, make up a reason to go stay with him on weekends, pretending like we were gonna study. I even started isolating Idriss, so Sofiane only had time for me. Make up bullshit stories about Idriss being too busy trying to impress this girl that he liked. It was fucking awful,” Eliott’s voice cracks.

Lucas stands up then, walks up to Eliott but remains behind him, so as to not force him to look at Lucas if he didn't want to. He merely places his palm flat against Eliott’s back, to show him that he’s there, that he’s not upset about this and that he doesn’t think any less of him. Just so he has one less thing to worry about from having to put himself out there like this, vulnerable, flayed open.

He _feels_ Eliott’s breath stutter more that he hears it, “He noticed that too, you know? He noticed I was lying, that I was trying to get close to him. And he, bless his heart, he tried to politely move away. Keep things within the boundaries of friendship. He’d make me spend time with Lucille, he’d invite Idriss himself instead of relying on me to pass the message. He didn’t push me away but he also started drawing the limits. My stupid, _stupid_ brain thought that he was just not dealing with his feelings for—for me, cause he was a devout Muslim. I thought I’ll keep trying until I change his mind. And then…”

Eliott sighs, wipes a hand across his face roughly, speaking fast “I cornered him in his bedroom one day when we were working on our photography project and kissed him against the wall. That… well, that went as well as you’d imagine. I scared him off.”

Lucas feels Eliott’s muscles tremble with the way he was holding himself and he reaches around and hugs Eliott from the back. The older boy leans into the touch, still hunched, as Lucas presses a kiss to his nape and nuzzles up against his shoulder.

“It’s okay,” Lucas whispers.

“It’s not. It really wasn’t. He pushed me away in shock, a little too hard, and at the time, I took it as revulsion. I ran away to the only place I could think of. Sat in the tunnel all night. Nobody knew where I was. I went home in the morning when the sun came up, my parents losing their shit cause Sofiane had called late at night asking if I were home yet. I climbed into bed that day and didn’t get out for days on end until my parents had to call a doctor on me because I wasn’t eating or drinking anything. A lot of shit happened, I can’t even properly remember now, to be honest. A lot happened at once. I just remember that the diagnosis didn't come easy. It was... I was..."

Eliott’s breath rushes out suddenly and he straightens up, turning around. “I can’t keep doing this.”

“Doing what?” Lucas asks softly.

“I never spoke about this to anyone, Lucas. Not like this. Not even with the therapist I had to see when I attempted suicide. I know I promised you I wi--”

“What do you mean? You tried to kill yourself?” Lucas’ eyes go wide and within seconds, he’s tearing up.

He could have lost Eliott. Memories of that horrible night when he thought Eliott had jumped off the boat resurface. It's his worst nightmare, the thought of Eliott killing himself during an episode and Lucas not reaching him in time to stop it. Eliott has never indicated to Lucas that he felt that way but Lucas has read online that the threat of suicide is incredibly high for bipolar people. He asked about it to Basile and to his absolute dismay, Basile told him about the agreement that his mother made with him. She assured him that she's working on it and that she wanted to live just as much. But she told him that if her life ends that way, Basile must promise her never to blame himself for it, that he will treat it just like losing a battle to any other disease. And that he will find it in his heart to forgive her for the agony she brought upon him. He said it so calmly, like he had memorised this speech, that Lucas was nauseous from the terror it evoked in him. He didn't talk about it to anyone after that, much less ask Eliott if he ever had the inclination.

Eliott bites his lips, “I just… can’t. I’m sorry. I can’t do this.”

“We don’t have to. We don’t have to,” he rushes out in a breath. “Let’s do somet--”

Eliott extricates himself out of Lucas’ arms. “I think I need to be alone right now. I’m sorry.”

Lucas knows he should give him space but the needy part of him, the terrified child in him, especially after hearing about the pain Eliott had to endure, just wants to be with him and hold him until it dissipates. It’s what Eliott would have done for him.

“Baby—”

“Lucas, please,” Eliott says, not looking him in the eye.

“Please what?” Lucas asks, pushing his chin up to try and get Eliott to look at him.

“I need to be alone. For a while.”

“You want me to go home?” Lucas’ voice is hoarse from the sudden surge of emotions.

Eliott nods, pushing his hand away gently.  

It hurts, Lucas won’t lie, but he realises that he has to put his own emotional needs aside for once and give Eliott what _he_ needs.

“Okay. Okay, I’ll go. But can you promise me that you’ll call me if things get bad? Please Eliott, I want to be here for you. I… you’re not alone in this. Remember?”

Eliott looks up at Lucas then. Although his eyes are still vacant, his frown softens at that.

“You can stay here. If you want. But I’m going to be in my room. By myself.”

Lucas nods, “Okay. Th—that’s a good plan, yeah.”

“And…” Eliott pushes against Lucas’ chest gently with his pointer finger, “you promise not to overthink this or blame it on yourself. Or... waste away, staring at the wall or some shit, I don't know. Do something with your time here. Watch a movie, go out for lunch if you want. You’re not here to babysit me. Deal?”

“Deal.”

Eliott runs a hand through Lucas' hair, pushing it back, before grabbing his phone off the counter and walking towards his bedroom.

Lucas says softly, cautiously, not expecting a response, “Eliott?”

Eliott turns at the door, right as he’s about to close it, looks at Lucas with a solemn expression.

"I love you," Lucas says sincerely.

“Love you too... Always.”

When Eliott shuts the door with a gentle click, Lucas pours himself what has now become lukewarm coffee, and sits on the couch, feeling exhausted but less anxious.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You thought the angst was over? Yeah, ME TOO. I FOOLED MYSELF LIKE A DAMN CLOWN. :'( Let me know how you're coping.


	7. only do not forget

Only do not forget, if I wake up crying  
it's only because in my dream I'm a lost child  
hunting through the leaves of the night for your hands....  
― Pablo Neruda, _100 Love Sonnets_

It’s only when it’s nearly dinner that Lucas starts panicking. He went grocery shopping in the afternoon, took quite a long time cooking pasta that didn’t taste half as bad if he can say so himself. He knocked on Eliott’s door at 2 pm inviting him for lunch but the older boy said he’d eat in a while. Lucas ate lunch alone, left some pasta in a Tupperware in the microwave and kept the rest in the fridge for dinner. He had been watching Netflix when he fell asleep on the couch. It’s 6.30 pm when he woke up, feeling disoriented from a restless sleep, filled with dreams that are close to nightmares but not horrific enough to shock him awake, when he realises that the pasta remains untouched.

He knocks on the door softly, waits about a minute and knocks again, a little insistently. Eliott merely groans in response. Lucas feels his heart race as he opens the door, hoping against all hopes that Eliott didn’t sink into another depressive episode. But from the sight of his unmoving lump in the dark room, Lucas’ fears are confirmed. He takes deep breaths, calming himself down before approaching the bed. _It’s fine, it’s not the end of the world,_ he thinks, desperately reassuring the frightened, fragile parts of him. _We’ve been through this before, we’ll get through it again. We always have. He’ll come back around._

He sits on the edge of the bed slowly, so as to give Eliott enough time to adjust to his presence.

“Baby, I’m going to bring you some pasta, okay? You can go back to bed after eating.”

“No appetite,” Eliott mumbles.

“I know… but we have to try. A few bites?”

“Lucas, what did I say about babysitting?” Eliott’s voice is just as soft, but his tone is defensive.

It stings and a part of Lucas wants to apologise and run out the door, not wanting confrontations. But Eliott has to also recognise that not all forms of help are coddling or babysitting. A little nudge to take care of himself doesn’t count as infantilising him.

Lucas starts, “I’m not babysitting you, Eliott. Far from it…”

He stutters a little, uncertain under the weight of Eliott’s threatening silence. He doesn’t want to say a wrong word.

“Sometimes, we love people… in the ways we know how. It’s not that you are incapable of taking care of yourself. You’ve done it all your life. You know better how to handle your—to handle this,” he says lamely.

“But… I guess, this is how I know to love people. And you would have done the same for me, no? I mean, even this morning, you heard I was not feeling good and you wanted me to come over, you got me breakfast. Because that’s how you show that you love me--”

“It’s different,” Eliott interrupts.

Lucas lays himself down on the bed, staring at the ceiling, eyes adjusting to the dimness. He doesn’t touch Eliott, who is curled on his side, back towards Lucas.

“How is it different?”

“You deser--…” Eliott starts but cuts himself off.

“What?” Lucas urges.

“It’s the least I can do. I’m the one who made you feel like shit.”

“Not really,” Lucas says, voice steadying as he realises the truth in what he’s about to say.

“ _I_ made myself feel like shit,” Lucas continues. “I self-sabotaged my own happiness.”

Eliott scoffs then, turning on his back too, but leaving some space between him and Lucas.

“Is this one of those ‘you have to _choose_ to be happy’ pep talk? Cause that bullshit doesn’t work, Lucas. It’s not always as easy.”

“Yeah, no, I know. I’m saying, I chose to make myself feel like shit because… because that’s easier for me. I’m--I'm—okay this is fucked up to say—but I’m used to that. I hate it, but I… I guess thinking people I love will leave me falls into some sort of sick comfort zone. That way the outcome is fixed. I can't do anything to change it. I-- I like to believe that if I don't get my hopes high, nothing can hurt me. But it doesn't stop hurting either way cause... I'm the one doing it, you know? To myself. And to everyone around me...  
  
"I'm scared all the time, Eliott. Even when I'm happy, I'm scared. It used to come out as anger... At least that way I felt powerful, like I can fight my way through it. Like I didn't need anyone. But now, I can't seem to get angry. Since I met you, I... my anger is gone. And I...need," he inhales deeply before continuing, "I need you, Eliott.  More than I've ever needed anyone before."

Lucas looks at Eliott’s profile, his eyes shut tight, eyebrows creased, his Adam’s apple moving as he swallows.

"So, I'm just scared, I guess. What we have, it's different. It's _new_. I'm suddenly happier, feeling better about myself. Feeling safer. I've never felt safe," Lucas' voice cracks. "I'm just worried that if I lose this-- you-- I will be... I don't know. Broken. For the rest of my life. It's stupid, but it makes it easier to fall into my old habits, imagining all the ways that this is less than perfect. Because I'm not used to feeling happy. I'm not used to... having someone who _wants_ to stay, at least not without feeling obliged to. I don’t know...” his breath catches as he struggles with the lump in his throat.

Lucas’ hand jerks a little when he feels a sudden touch. Eliott rests his pinky finger against Lucas’.

“I know how that feels.”

He turns his body towards Eliott then, without breaking contact where Eliott's finger caresses his. The older boy keeps his eyes shut but tears slip out of the corner and Lucas wipes it away with his thumb.

“I’m not alone then,” Lucas whispers, smiling a little.

“Never,” Eliott answers.

“Neither are you.”

Eliott moves his hand a little closer, so that two of his fingers rest against Lucas’ now.

They lay together that way, Eliott staring at the ceiling, tears sliding from his eyes and disappearing into his hairline, and Lucas staring at where their hands meet. Eliott’s stomach growls and Lucas laughs a little.

“Now who’s growly belly is ruining the mood, huh?”

He sees Eliott’s lip quirk into an almost smile before dropping again and Lucas counts that as a small victory.

“I’m going to heat the pasta and bring it in, okay? Eat what you can, I’ll finish the rest. Okay?”

Eliott nods slightly and Lucas extricates his hand from Eliott’s but pauses to pat it once reassuringly before leaving the room.

He returns with a bowl of pasta, Eliott’s school water bottle filled to the brim, a mug with apple juice, and the ziplock bag, half full with green grapes that Eliott had left in the fridge a few days ago, balancing them all on a tray. Eliott has curled on his side again, back facing the door.

Eliott says, “Thanks. Leave them on the table. I’ll eat slowly.”

Lucas knows that it’s a dismissal. He flinches on reflex but masks his expression. Eliott needs time, he’s not well. This isn’t about Lucas. In fact, he’ll probably feel more reluctant to eat with Lucas watching him.

He places the tray on the bedside table on Eliott’s side. He’s maybe asking for too much but he thinks maybe... it’s safe to ask. What’s the worst that could happen? Eliott would refuse. He’s not gonna tell Lucas to pack his shit and leave the house and never come back. Right? That’s not going to happen. Even if his anxiety tells him so.

He braces his heart and asks still, “Eliott?”

“Hmmm,” his eyes crack open a little, looking at Lucas where he’s hovering half-bent over from putting down the tray.

“If it’s not too much, can I… give you a kiss?”

Eliott looks a little taken aback, “You wouldn't want to. My breath stinks.”

Lucas laughs softly, “I don’t mind if you’re okay with it. But I was going to kiss your forehead.”

Eliott ducks his head, shifting closer as though he’s offering.

Lucas’ heart swells with how adorable the gesture was, with how fond he is of Eliott.

He pushes back Eliott’s hair, fingers still tucked in the soft mess and presses his lips gently to his forehead. The skin is warm and soft, smells like sleep and the dulled scent of Eliott’s lavender shampoo. He breathes in deeply, his hand slowly raking through Eliott’s hair to cup his jaw, where he can feel his 5 o’clock shadow, gently scraping against his palm.

He leans back and whispers, “That was a minute well spent.”

Eliott moves his head slightly, nuzzling Lucas’ palm.

“Heee… that tickles,” Lucas says, fidgeting but forcing himself not to move away because he wants everything that Eliott can offer.

“You’re too good to me,” Eliott whispers and it comes off a little sad.

Lucas shakes his head, “I’m learning from the best. My boyfriend, Eliott, maybe you've heard of him?”

Lucas leans in again for a quick peck on his cheekbone, when he hears Eliott say softly, “Thank you. For being here. This is… nice.”

“It’s nice for me too, you know?”

Eliott scoff in disbelief. “I’m the literal embodiment of a day-old wet towel right now.”

Lucas squats, feeling his back strain, “Hey, you don’t get to talk about my boyfriend like that.”

“What you gonna do?” Eliott challenges.

“I’ll fight you,” Lucas shoves at his shoulder gently. “Don’t think I won’t, okay? I’ll wrestle you to the ground.”

“Hmmm… I can’t right now. But I’d hold you to your word another day.”

“Can’t wait.”

When Eliott closes his eyes again, Lucas smiles, leaves one last kiss on his shoulder, feeling the soft cotton t-shirt against his lips.

“I’ll leave you to it, love. Eat a little when you can.”

He closes the door behind him, feeling slightly lighter, knowing that there will be another day for them.

When he sits on the couch again, he unlocks his phone to text Imane when he notices two texts from his mum that she had sent him earlier in the evening.

 

 **Maman: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not  
envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not  
dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not  
easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with  
the truth. It always protects, always trusts,  
always hopes, always perseveres.  
Love never fails. . .** ( **1 Corinthians 13:4-8)**

**Maman: I hope you’re having a wonderful  
day, son. I love you.**

**Lucas: Thank you, maman.  
                                                                                              I think that’s my favourite Bible verse now.**

She replies right after.

 **Maman: It’s my favourite too. Ever since I had you in  
my life**.

Lucas’ eyes fill with tears. The cruel irony is that he had spent so long worrying about being abandoned that he had taken for granted those who stayed.

**Lucas: Thank you for teaching me how to love, maman.**

**Lucas: I know I haven’t always been a good son.  
                                                                                             I wasn’t always there for you.**

_Lucas is typing…_

**Maman: No, Lucas. It’s not your job to be there  
for me.**

**Maman: I’m the parent. I should have been  
more attentive to you.**

**Maman: But you’ve never let me down.  
You were there in all the ways that count.**

**Lucas: I used to blame it on your depression.**

**Lucas: I didn’t understand it. Or you, for that matter.**

**Maman: Do you want me to call you, son?**

**Lucas: No**

**Lucas: This is easier for me**

**Lucas: If you don’t mind**

**Maman: Of course, baby. I’m here for you.**

**Maman: In any ways you need me.**

Lucas wipes his wet face with his t-shirt. The tears don’t stop though.

**Lucas: I haven’t brought Eliott over to see you**

**Lucas: because I feel guilty**

**Maman: About what, baby?**

**Lucas: Eliott is bipolar, maman**

                                                                                             _Lucas is typing…_

**Maman: Oh he’s so young**

**Maman: God will see him through his difficult  
days.**

**Maman: How are you holding up? Is he okay?**

                                                                                            **Lucas: He gets depressed too… like you do.**  
**I understand it better now, having read about it, and also**  
**after speaking to Eliott and Basille (Basille’s mum is bipolar too). And**  
**every time I think about bringing him to see you, I feel guilty because**  
**I wasn’t there for you in the same ways. I got angry with you** **instead**  
                                                                                             **of** **trying to help you. It feels like it’s not fair that I didn’t spare you**  
**the same kindness. You deserved better, Maman.**

**Lucas: I hated papa for leaving you but I didn’t realise that I wasn’t any better.**

_Maman is typing…_

**Lucas: And oh, he’s okay. We’re holding up fine. Thank you.**

**Lucas: I mean, it’s hard sometimes but we love each other and are working together.**

**Maman: Lucas, it wasn’t your responsibility**  
**to look after me. And even so, you did more**  
**for me than is expected of you. Baby, you**  
**cannot put this on yourself.**

 **Maman: You’re nothing like your father. You**  
**are so young but so kind, so mature, so brave.**  
**I can tell how much you love Eliott from the**  
**way you speak about him. Your father and I**  
**didn’t have the same kind of relationship you**  
**have with Eliott. And it’s not on you. Some of**  
**us just don’t fit together yet we stay for a long**  
**time because we don’t know any better.**

 **Maman: I have no regrets though. I have you.**  
**That was and will always be the best part of**  
**my marriage.**

**Maman: I’m happy you have Eliott. And he’s  
fortunate to have you. You deserve each other.**

**Maman: I would love to meet him someday.  
When you’re both ready.**

**Lucas: Thank you, maman. I’ll bring him over**  
                                                                                             **one of these days. He’s looking forward to see you too.**  
**I think you’ll like him a lot.**

**Maman: I already do. He’s my son too.**

**Lucas: I love you. I’ll talk to you again soon.**

**Maman: I love you too. Send my regards  
to Eliott.**

Lucas puts the phone down, wipes his face with both hands, dragging them down his cheeks slowly. He inhales deeply, his face forming a smile, feeling oddly happy despite it all. His mother is right. Love will persevere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I'm starting to feel a little demotivated. There's a lot going on in my life right now. I really want to finish this fic though. So I'm gonna need some external validation in that sense. If you can, drop a comment telling me what you like about this chapter or a favourite section or anything that could inject more enthusiasm in me. Thank you.


	8. you’re here now, welcome home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to all those who left such sweet, thoughtful comments. You really keep me going. I'm sorry I haven't replied to them (I assure you I've read them all, multiple times in fact). I'll reply as soon as I get some time. THANK YOU! I CHERISH YOUR COMMENTS! (even if you think they're long or dramatic. I love long and dramatic.) <3 Keep 'em coming.

every mouth you’ve ever kissed  
was just practice…  
i don’t mind tasting them in the   
memory of your mouth  
they were a long hall way  
a door half open  
a single suit case still on the conveyor belt  
was it a long journey?  
did it take you long to find me?  
you’re here now,  
welcome home.  
― Warsan Shire

 

Lucas had spent more than an hour speaking to Imane on the phone, reassuring her that everything is fine. She seemed quite shaken at the thought of accidentally revealing Eliott’s past without his consent. But eventually, they moved on to talking about plans for the break, the party they’re throwing for Alexia’s birthday, and revisions they wanted to collaborate on a couple of weeks before school starts again.

By the time Lucas was done, he was exhausted, feeling like he ran an emotional marathon the whole day. He slowly made his way into Eliott’s room to remove the tray and to his pleasant surprise, Eliott had finished all the grapes and apple juice and drank half the bottle of water, even if he only took a few bites of the pasta. That is progress compared to when Eliott went days without eating anything solid. Lucas threw the remaining pasta, now hardened and crusty into the trash and washed the dishes.

He then picks out the cluster of green grapes that he had bought earlier, soaks them in cold water and plucks them out one by one to place them in another ziplock bag. When the bag is nearly full, he seals it, and uses a scissors to cut two bananas with stems still attached to preserve the freshness. He then refills Eliott’s water bottle and half-fills a used mineral water bottle with apple juice. He arranges all of these on the tray and writes a small note to place under the bottle.

_Snacks for if and when you get hungry. <3_

He turns off the light in the living room before cracking open Eliott’s door again, knowing that the glare from the door might disturb Eliott if he were sleeping. He uses his dimmed phone screen to illuminate his path to the bedside table, gently places the tray, and then moves to the other end of the bed to grab a pillow that Eliott wasn’t using. He closes the door behind him and settles on the couch, watching TV quietly until sleep washes over him.

He wakes up in the middle of the night, jerking a little, as he feels an arm around his shoulder and another trailing under his thighs. 

“Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you up,” Eliott says, removing his hands gently and standing up.

From the blue light of his TV screen, he sees Eliott’s face, looking exhausted.

“What’s the time?” Lucas groans, moving his head to the other side and feeling the twinge on one side of the neck from sleeping in an odd position.

“I don’t know. I think it’s late.”

Lucas reaches over to his phone while groaning, “You hungry? Want something to eat? I left grapes for you on the table.”

The screen displays 1.20 am. He swallows, throat dry, and sits up. Lucas reaches out, holds Eliott’s hand loosely, asking, “You can’t sleep anymore, baby?”

Eliott shakes his head, “No, I was just wondering why you weren’t in bed yet. I came out to check and you were asleep so I thought... I’d move you to the bed.”

Lucas smiles dopily. Maybe he’s sleep drunk, but the gesture, the intention to carry him to bed even when Eliott isn’t well, he thought it was loving. He stands up, hand intertwining with Eliott’s.

“I was gonna sleep here actually. Give you some space.”

Eliott scoffs, “Don’t be an idiot. The couch is too hard. You’ll get backache.”

He starts tugging Lucas’ hand towards the room but Lucas pauses, “Wait, let me off the TV.” He reaches behind his pillow where the remote control was tucked, turns it off and grabs his phone and the pillow under one arm, all while keeping their hands locked. He yawns as he follows Eliott to bed.

Eliott climbs in first and scoots over, Lucas following behind him. When Lucas lays down with a gentle sigh, relishing the cold, soft comfort of the bed, Eliott pulls at the blanket and covers Lucas and himself with it, tucking Lucas in. A part of Lucas wants to retaliate, say that it’s his job to take care of Eliott. But the smarter, rational part of him that knows when to shut up realises that it will come off wrong. In fact, Lucas has to learn to let other people take care of him too. Loving someone doesn’t work if you are good at giving and giving but never taking. Eliott wants the satisfaction of caring for Lucas too, not just indulging in all the comforts that Lucas can provide. If it’s a one-way street, it’s more service than love.

He whispers instead, eyes still struggling to adjust in the dark to see Eliott’s features, “Thank you. I’m feeling very… loved.

“For letting you sleep in the bed instead of the couch like a stranger?” Eliott scoffs. “Your standards are so low, Lucas.”

Lucas would have been offended if he didn’t hear the sound of Eliott’s teasing laughter. It makes him warm all over.

He replies, “Oh please. My standards are so high. Have you seen my boyfriend?”

Eliott lays on his back, looking straight ahead. The younger boy can see him somewhat now, all grey and soft shadows and dark angles. The small gap where the curtain doesn’t fully cover the window forms a strip of light on the ceiling. Cars that pass by, although infrequent, make the light move across the ceiling.

Eliott says softly, “I have. Isn’t he the wuss who can’t talk about his life without falling into a depressive spiral? Like a Victorian damsel in distress?” He huffs, “Your standards _are_ low.”

Lucas wants to protest, wants to slap him across the arm like he would have done any other day. Wants to shove all kinds of compliments and drown Eliott in them until he relents. But he has done that before, he’s not sure if it worked if Eliott still secretly thinks of himself this way.

On the outside, Eliott looks confident in his general interactions with people, so much so that no one would be able to guess this side of him. A little shy maybe, but the megawatt smile more than makes up for it. He comes off as extremely charming. It’s so easy to be friends with him. The boy squad gets super stoked whenever they see Eliott, regardless of how frequent or how mundane an occasion. They yell Eliott’s name in the school corridor, in the weekly assembly, in parties, in the school cafeteria, on the streets, wherever whenever.

They’ve even gotten in trouble with a teacher for yelling Eliott’s name excitedly when they passed by his class and saw him in front, presenting about the representation of women in some novel or the other, with his assigned group. Lucas was the one who had to literally smother Basile with his hand against his mouth and drag him away. Arthur and Yann rushed after them too, but only after muttering apologies at the French teacher. She took down their names, and got them to stay behind to help her count, catalogue, and wrap the novels she leaves on the shelf of the class for her students to borrow.

Although Yann told Lucas to go, given that Lucas wasn’t idiotic enough to scream out Eliott’s name during his lesson, Eliott and Lucas stayed behind to help the boys out. They mostly wrapped two books with a plastic cover, Eliott’s looking tidy and Lucas’ looking horrendous, before they stood against the wall, talking to each other and kissing every once in a while, until Yann threw a book at Lucas’ chest to chase him away.

“We’re really better off without you,” groaned Arthur.

“Get the fuck outta here and get a different room, assholes!” shouted Yann as they left the classroom, Lucas’ middle fingers up in the air, Eliott laughing until he was breathless.

Basille was making gagging sounds, shouting something incoherent. All Lucas understood was, “You’re lucky that I like Eliott too much.”

So yeah, Eliott is all sunshine and lollipops and rainbows to his friends and everyone else generally. Lucas is a bit of an asshole in comparison, always saying something cutting and snarky, horrible at small talks with new people. He just doesn’t care enough to keep a conversation going with random people. He usually stands next to Eliott and let him work his charm and filter people out. Lucas only makes an effort if Eliott thinks the person is cool enough to be friends with.

He replies instead, carefully prodding but giving Eliott the opportunity to not answer if he doesn’t want to.

“Oh yeah? You think you know my boyfriend?”

He doesn’t expect a response when Eliott remains silent for a long moment.

But eventually, the older boy says, “Yeah, I do. I don’t like him all that much. I wouldn’t be in the same room with him if I had a choice.”

Lucas has always hated it when people said arbitrary bullshit to him like “love yourself”, “nobody can make you happy until you’re happy with yourself,” “don’t care about what other people think.”

He doesn’t find it helpful. It feels like they’re missing an awful lot of steps in between. He only began to love himself more when he noticed that people around him loved him just as he is. It was hearing Mika say, “Live your life, and those who judge, who have a problem with that, fuck them,” that lessened Lucas’ self-hatred.

Not because he immediately stopped caring about what people thought about him, but because in that moment, with Mika’s arm around him, Manon’s head against his chest, he realised, that there are people in his life who love him enough to intervene and prod and push and pull even when he is angry and insufferable, because they want to be there for him regardless. It took Yann hugging him like he had missed Lucas so much, kissing his shoulder, telling him to never go through anything alone without telling Yann about it, to make him truly accept himself.

It took seeing the way Eliott’s eyes widen in excitement before creasing at the corners as he grins at him, the way he lets out an adorable shriek at the sight of Lucas, rushing to kiss him, jumping a little and pressing his weight on Lucas like he wants to meld their bodies together, the way he never stops with a single kiss, always coming in for more, the way he cups Lucas’ face like he can’t believe Lucas is there, the way he rubs their noses or leans against his forehead, the way he tells him, “I love you” so easily, wherever they are, uncaring of who’s watching or listening in, the way he holds his hand in public regardless of who makes fun of them, the way he unabashedly zeroes in on Lucas, like nothing else and nobody else matter in that moment… it’s all these little things that Eliott does, day in day out, consciously and unconsciously, that culminate in Lucas’ beginning to recover from his loneliness and apathy and inch towards self-love. 

He only learnt to be happy and to love his life when the people around him started showing him the ropes. Love, like everything else, is practice. He didn’t learn to play the piano in a day. He practised for hours at a time, he watched his Sunday school music teacher play and picked up the posture from him, he pressed the wrong keys and learnt why they sounded so jarring, before he relished the beauty of the right notes played in the right keys.

So, Eliott’s not going to wake up in the morning and be healed from his self-deprecating thoughts all at once. This will take time, effort, patience, a lot of jarring moments and missed keys, but they’re both going to have to practise relentlessly if they’re going to get anywhere.

So, Lucas asks instead, “Why? What about him?” thinking it’s best to let Eliott voice out his insecurities before he makes an attempt to fix them.

“He’s cracked in the head,” Eliott answers.

“That’s why?”

“Yeah… Also, he’s a coward. Chickenshit. Always running away from his past. Unreliable.”

“Hmmm…”

“He’s… he’s selfish.”

“How so?” Lucas asks, keeping his voice steady although it hurts him to hear Eliott talk about himself so negatively.

Eliott clears his throat awkwardly before continuing, “He knows he’s crazy, right? He has known it for a while. He knows how he drags everyone down with him. People who love him su--suffer because of him. He has seen it happen. With his parents, his friends, his ex. He wastes all their energy, sucks them dry like a—like a parasite. Until they become a husk of who they used to be. And then he meets... he meets _you_. Young, vibrant, funny, kind… surprising. Someone who deserves the world. And he knows, right? He knows he shouldn’t make you fall in love with him. He should let you be, that you will eventually find someone better. But he keeps coming back to you anyway. Simply because he fell in love with you. Simply because you make him feel good. He pretends like his sickness will go away. It won’t. He’s just gonna tire you out until you give up on him. He’s not good enough for you, and no amount of medications is gonna change that. If he isn’t so fucking selfish, he’ll let you go.”

“Can I tell you something about him that you don’t know?” Lucas asks.

“If I say no, will it stop you?”

Lucas pretends to think for a while, “No, it won’t. I want you to get to know my boyfriend better before you go around slandering him.”

“What?”

Lucas shifts, placing his head gently on Eliott’s chest. “Is this okay?”

Eliott merely runs his fingers through Lucas’ hair.

“My boyfriend is very brave actually. You can ask any one of his friends, or his parents. They will say the same. He’s been given the short end of the stick, he sometimes doesn’t feel too well, that’s true. But he soldiers on. Like a fucking champ. Doesn’t ever use it as an excuse although it would be reasonable for him to do so. Maybe... maybe he’s scared on the inside, but he goes on living, doing everything that terrifies him, and if that’s not brave, really, what is?

“I mean the fact that you-- _he_ opened up to me today, told me all of the awful moments he has been through… he still found the courage to tell me about them, for no other reason than to reassure _my_ stupid anxiety—”

“It’s not stupid. You can’t help what you feel,” Eliott says, hand moving to wrap around his shoulder, pulling him closer to his chest.

Lucas smiles, “See? How can you say that he’s selfish? He loves me so much, he’s willing to put me first, how is that selfish?”

Eliott’s hand stops rubbing circles on his arm but he still embraces Lucas.

“You know, I’m no saint. I’ve done worse. I went out of my way to sabotage my best friend’s relationship because I had feelings for him. I didn’t think I deserved love. But you know what he said when I told him?”

“We all make mistakes,” Eliott breathes.

“Yes, and what else?”

Eliott shrugs, not fully remembering what he said.

“You sa—he said, he loves even the parts of me that hurt. And that I’m a good person regardless, because I reflected on myself and I’ve learnt from it, and I’m trying to be better. If I were a sociopath like I claimed to be, if I were selfish and inherently bad, I wouldn’t be feeling guilty. And that I was so strong for deciding to tell my boyfriend about it even though I was horrified at the thought. When I cried all night like a fucking toddler, he didn’t think any lesser of me… did he?”

Eliott jolts Lucas a little, looking down at him, “Of course not! You’re the bravest person I know.”

Lucas looks up then, “No, _you’re_ the bravest person you know. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. Or anybody else’s. Cause everyone loves you.”

“I know they love me... But do they... _like_ me?”

“So much. They all do.” Lucas pushes his arm underneath Eliott to fully hug him. “ _I_ like you so fucking much, it’s overwhelming sometimes. You’re my favourite. If I had to choose one person to be stuck in a room with for a long, long time, it will be you. No contenders.”

He laughs too as he hears Eliott’s scoff turning into a burst of soft laughter.

“That’s cause you want to have sex to pass the time.”

“Hey!” Lucas looks up then. “The sex is bloody brilliant, I won’t lie. But it’s not my most favourite part of you.”

“What’s your most favourite part of me then?”

Lucas runs his thumb gently across the crease in the corner of Eliott’s eye, that ends somewhere near his cheekbones when he smiles wide enough.

“These lines. I’ve never seen them so deep on anyone else.”

“Ugh, my wrinkles? Thanks,” Eliott retorts.

“Laugh lines. The fact that you feel joy so deeply that your face has to… carve out room for them. It’s breathtaking... You know, Basile once said that you are capable of feeling more than others do. Maybe... it feels so intensely shitty sometimes precisely because you feel so deeply. And maybe that's why joy, happiness, love, all the good stuff, when it pours out of you, is just as intensely beautiful.” 

Eliott smiles then, shying away from Lucas’ piercing gaze, “When did you get so corny?”

“Since I met you, duh.”

Eliott pulls Lucas’ head down again, resting in the crook of his neck as he hugs Lucas fondly.

“Every part of you is my favourite part,” Eliott says and Lucas feels warm and relaxed in his arms.

“Hey, I didn’t know that that was an option! I would have picked that.”

“Too bad. Now shush... and sleep,” Eliott says.

Lucas huffs out a breath in amusement, but settles in, nuzzling Eliott’s neck and relishing the comfortable warmth of Eliott’s arms around him, his own palm against Eliott’s heart.

"Good night, Eliott."

"You too, baby."

He’s halfway asleep, tuned in to the steady rhythm of Eliott's heartbeat under his touch, when he hears Eliott mumble against his hair, “I’d choose you too, Lucas. Every time.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I gotta be honest, at this point, there is no specific plot points that I'm headed towards. I'm focusing more on dialogues and character development and of course, FLUFF. So feel free to suggest if you have any ideas. I saw a couple of comments about wanting Eliott to meet Lucas' mum. Valid requests. Imma work on it. :D We'll get that at some point in this fic. Thank you for sticking along and do send me your wonderful thoughts. <3


	9. the god i decide to believe in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys, so much shit went down these past weeks that if I begin telling you, it will sound like Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events. Thank you for being patient and I hope you enjoy this chapter.

The God I decide to believe in is   
the God of the bathroom floor.   
A God of scandalously low expectations.   
A God who smiles down at a drunk on the floor,   
wasted and afraid, and says,  
 _There you are. I’ve been waiting_.  
\- Glennon Doyle

 

 

Lucas blinks his eyes open when he stretches his hand towards Eliott's side of the bed but finds nobody next to him. He looks around in a daze, the curtain still shut but the strip of sunlight dancing on the foot of his bed indicates that it is well into the morning. He flips to the other side and grabs his phone, checks the time. It’s 10.25 am and he drops the phone on Eliott’s pillow. He calls out Eliott’s name softly and then once again, louder when he hears no reply. He gets out of the bed with a groan, hair mussed and sticking to the side of his face, and exits the room in search of Eliott. He’s not in the living room, and from the open space, he can see that the kitchen is empty as well. He’s beginning to freak out but he breathes instead, remembers Basile’s advice.

“You can’t lose your shit at every turn. You can’t live your life assuming the worst. Let Eliott be,” he said, his usually goofy expression morphing into quiet strength.

Lucas has learnt that his anxiety, despite being a part of his personality that he can’t quite unlearn just yet, often does little to help his situation, particularly with Eliott. His anxiety isn’t just unkind to him, but extends the hostility to the very people he was concerned about and would have done anything for just moments ago. It’s like being startled by a dear friend and the sudden shock and fear transform into a wave of split-second anger, although he knows that the person doing it, usually Basile, only meant it as a joke, as a little bit of fun. But that’s how his system retaliates to fear. When he’s afraid enough for long enough, he reacts with antagonism without wanting to.

With that in mind, he goes back into the bedroom to get his phone, maybe give Eliott a call before he freaks out. But as he clutches his phone and sits on the bed sideways, he looks up and notices the bathroom for the first time. The light is on, pouring out from around the door frame like a halo in the relative darkness of the room. He breathes out a deep sigh of relief, running his hand across his face, scoffs a little at his overreaction.

He walks to the door and knocks gently.

“Eliott? You in there?”

“Ya,” answers the voice, raspy with fatigue.

“Can I come in?”

“It’s unlocked.”

Lucas expects that Eliott is perhaps shaving, from the lack of noise of water hitting the floor and the distracted tone of voice. But when he opens the door, he finds Eliott sitting in the shower area, arms hugging his knees to his chest, back resting against the wall and face turned away. When Lucas approaches him, he could see the slight tremble of Eliott’s body and the goosebumps on his arms, as he sits in nothing but his boxers. His toes tap on the floor sluggishly yet in a repeated fashion, his left hand rubbing circles on his right elbow. When Lucas comes closer, Eliott tears his eyes away from where he was staring at the blue swirling patterns on the tiles next to him, lips pressed against his upper arm. He tilts his head to rest on his wrist instead, turning to the side where Lucas lowers himself to sit next to him. They’re quiet for a while, except for the rhythmic soft tapping of Eliott’s feet.

Lucas places one hand between Eliott’s shoulder blades and rubs a bit of warmth into the skin, now that his hunched posture keeps him away from leaning against the cold tiles.

“How long have you been here?” Lucas asks, swallowing when his voice cracks.

Eliott shrugs.

“A while, I guess.”

“You’re cold,” Lucas remarks, sliding closer to Eliott and wrapping an arm around his shoulder.

He half expects Eliott to pull away, tell him he needs to be on his own but he doesn’t. Instead, he leans into the touch, eyes running slowly up and down Lucas’ face.

Lucas starts to feel a little self-conscious with the curious inspection and he clears his throat awkwardly, looking away for a second.

“You’re beautiful, you know?” Eliott says casually, surprising Lucas.

“Hmmm?”

“Even more so when you’re sleeping. You look so peaceful. It’s lovely.”

Thank you?”

“You’re welcome,” Eliott replies lightly.

It’s weird for Lucas given the circumstances. Because everything about this situation - Eliott sitting on the cold, hard bathroom floor, all by himself, shivering slightly, looking like he isn’t fully present – screams warning signs, like something awful is brewing. But the tired yet calm voice, the way his eyes settle on Lucas, the way he lets Lucas touch him, hold him even, seems like any other ordinary day when they’re lounging lazily in the couch without any plans.

It’s hard for Lucas to process it so he asks cautiously, “Then, why didn’t you just stay in bed with me till I woke up?”

“I wanted to clean up. Be ready for you.”

“Ready for m--me? What?”

Eliott shrugs before saying, “I don’t know. Just be a person again.”

Lucas wants to turn that thought around, wants to shake Eliott and tell him sternly that he _is_ a person. Never any lesser, regardless of a bad day. But he stops himself, knowing that censoring Eliott’s words only makes the older boy more reluctant to share his thoughts.

He kisses Eliott’s shoulder instead, arm holding him tighter for a second.

“Did you shower already?” Lucas asks, confused when he notices the mostly dry floor.

Eliott shakes his head, dislodging it from where he was resting it, and leans into Lucas, his cheek against Lucas’ head, his back against the wall.

“I brushed my teeth. Washed my face. And then just… ran out of gas,” he says with a sad laugh.

“That’s enough, no? We can go back to bed,” Lucas suggests.

He feels Eliott sigh, breath moving Lucas’ hair.

“I wish I could shower, you know? I might feel better. I’m just gonna wait here until I can… bring myself to it,” Eliott answers.

Lucas pulls his head from under Eliott’s, turns towards him with a smile.

“Ooor… you can sit here and I can bathe you?”

Eliott looks like he’s considering it but Lucas notices the reluctance when Eliott casts his gaze downwards.

“Hey, that way I can shower too. It’ll be nice,” Lucas says, pulling at his chin to make eye contact.

Eliott smiles and pauses for a beat before answering, “Okay.”

Lucas moves, crouches before Eliott, hands at the waistband of his boxer briefs.

“If you just lift your hips up and straighten your legs, I can pull this right off,” Lucas suggests.

“It’s okay, baby. I can stand. Just help me up.”

Lucas nods, stands enthusiastically and holds out both his hands.

Lucas then pulls at Eliott's boxers, crouching down in front of him again.

When Lucas looks up to tell him to lift his feet one at a time, he finds Eliott’s face flushed a little. But unlike what he would have hoped for, it isn’t arousal or attraction. His expression looks a little pained, eyes flitting away.

“Babe?” Lucas inquires.

Eliott lifts his leg one at a time, balancing with a hand on Lucas’ shoulder but he still doesn’t meet Lucas’ gaze. He stands up, throwing Eliott’s boxers on the sink and looks over to see Eliott steadfastly staring at their feet.

“Eliott?” Lucas tries again.

“Is this really okay?” Eliott whispers.

“What? Of course-- Why? Are you not comfortable?” Lucas rushes out, panicking a little that he crossed a boundary.

He sees Eliott swallow hard and Lucas bends a little, tilting his head to force Eliott’s gaze on him. Eliott sighs and looks up.

“I mean… I just—forget it,” Eliott huffs, pulling at his lower lip in discomfort.

“Eliott, talk to me,” Lucas prods gently.

“Will you hold this against me?” Eliott says in a single breath, like he is afraid of Lucas’ reaction.

“Hold agai-- Why would I—”

“I don’t want you to babysit me.”

Lucas rolls his eyes in exasperation, “God, Eliott. I’m not babysitting you. Why do you always say that?”

“I just… I don’t want this to become _us_ , you know? You having to serve me like I’m some kind of… old man, needing to be looked after.”

Lucas opens his mouth to interject but Eliott stops him, “This is not coming out right. I just mean I– I’m… I don’t want you to bring this up in a fight. If we ever fight. Or talk about this in front of our friends or in public. It’s-- it’s not easy for me as it is, asking you to..." 

He swallows again before continuing, "I don’t need this to be pointed out again and again. And I don’t want you to stick around with me because you feel obliged to. Like you’re my caretaker. This isn’t your job. It’s nobody’s job but mine. I don’t need—okay, no. I _do_ need you. But I need you to be my boyfriend, Lucas… my partner. My equal, you know?” He rubs a shaky hand across his face before finishing, “Please don’t let this… Just don’t think lesser of me for this, Lucas.”

Lucas is absolutely baffled by it that he stares, open-mouthed at Eliott for a long while, throat closing in a mixture of anger and sadness and confusion.

“Wha—Why would I—” he finds no words to appropriately approach this. “Eliott, I’m just taking a shower with you. This is really not _that_ big of a deal. Why are you--”

“It is, Lucas, okay? It is a big deal. For _me_. I just don’t need the additional humiliation of you mentioning it again and again later like I’m—”

Lucas holds Eliott’s face with both his hands and he’s surprised by his own strength. He didn’t mean to cup his cheeks so tightly but he does. At least it stops Eliott from running his mouth. There’s something fierce about the way Lucas stares at him, resolutely forcing Eliott to meet his gaze.

“Is this coming from you or someone else?”

“What?” Eliott asks weakly.

“Who made you feel like that?”

Eliott looks past Lucas to stare at the wall behind him.

“Was it Lucille? It must be Luci--”

“She didn’t mean to,” Eliott interrupts, rising to her defence when he realises how awful it painted her. “She was young, Lucas. She didn’t deserve the burden of taking care of me. But she did... Take care of me. And it’s just… it kept me feeling guilty and I stayed with her long after we both knew it was over because I felt indebted. And she stayed because she felt responsible, like I’m incapable without her. I can’t make the same mistake with you. I won’t.”

“Eliott, there is _nothing_ humiliating about this. Nothing. You hear me?” he says, voice low but stern. “You’re not a burden. This… I’m sorry to push this, but this really isn’t a big deal the way your mind is telling you it is. I love you. I want to be close to you. I want to help you in the little ways I can. It’s what you do when you love someone, Eliott.”

“She loved me too, Lucas. It’s not her fault that--”

Lucas shakes him a little, “I’m not saying it’s anybody’s fault. I’m not judging Lucille. I’m just saying, I don’t see this the same way. You’re right, maybe the two of you were very young and it seemed like a lot. But that’s not what’s happening here… with me.”

“You’ve really young too, Lucas. It’s even worse because I’m the older one. I should be looking after you.”

“And you _are_. What did you do the day I sprained my ankle, falling off the scooter with Yann? Did you not help me take a shower?”

“That’s different.”

“No, it isn’t. It really isn’t. You keep thinking it’s different. What, when you do it, it’s love but when I do it, it’s an obligation? If I’m being honest here, it pisses me off when you do that. I’m not doing anything great here, Eliott. You told me my standards are low. But I think _you_ really need to increase your expectations ‘cause I’m not exactly flattered by how little it takes to make you feel like I’m making some kind of – I don’t know—grand sacrifice or some shit. It’s not a sacrifice to be with you. I’m with you because I love you. Not because I’m young, not because I’m forced to, not because I'm a saint. I'm here because I love you,” he punctuates the last words to drive it in.

Eliott’s tears drop on Lucas’ hands where he’s still cupping Eliott’s cheeks.

He nods shakily, swallowing as he says, “I’m sorry.”

“No, baby. You don’t have to apologise,” Lucas says softly, wiping the tears with his thumbs. “You just need to remember. Like I need to remember that you chose _me._ That you love _me_. And you’re not planning to leave any time soon.”

Eliott huffs, “Not planning to leave ever, if it’s up to me.”

Lucas laughs, “Good.” He drags Eliott’s head down to kiss his forehead, “I want that too.”

Eliott wraps an arm around Lucas’ waist, hugging him loosely. Eliott is naked, any other day Lucas would have turned this into something more sexual. But despite it all, it just feels nice and warm and intimate. So he wraps his arms around Eliott’s neck and basks in the moment.

After a few breaths together, he gently pulls back, “Ready?”

Eliott nods. Lucas strips his clothes off quickly, shucks them on the sink alongside Eliott’s boxer, and turns the water on. He pulls Eliott towards him under the spray when the water warms up quickly. He lets the water wash over them both, Eliott’s head ducking downwards, wetting his hair. Lucas reaches over for the body shampoo, rubs it between his palms before running it over Eliott’s chest, raising his hands to circle around Eliott’s neck before falling again on his chest and torso. He turns Eliott around, presses more liquid soap into his hand before massaging Eliott’s shoulders up until his lower back. By the time he finishes up with Eliott’s arms and legs, he finds Eliott half hard.

He looks up with a smirk and asks cornily, “Want me to take care of that?”

Eliott rolls his eyes playfully, “No, thanks.”

“You sure? I don’t mind…” he drags, slowly running his fingers down Eliott’s chest, brushing against his hard nipples as the water washes away the soap suds.

Eliott stops his hands and shakes his head, “Not now. Not like this.”

There’s something sad about the way he says it that sobers Lucas up and he looks up to Eliott’s face, searching for an answer.

Eliott mumbles, “I haven’t even properly kissed you in a week. We’re not doing anything here when I can’t even muster the energy to shower on my own. You deserve better.”

“I deserve anything you give me,” Lucas replies, kissing Eliott’s tattoo on his upper chest.

Eliott groans a little when Lucas nibbles on the skin but he gently pushes Lucas’ shoulder. “Lucas… Maybe later?” he asks apologetically.

Lucas grins at him, not wanting to give any space for Eliott to begin feeling guilty.

“Yup,” he says, leaning forward to squeeze Eliott’s waist in a hug before returning to the task of washing Eliott up.

He stands on his tiptoes to shampoo Eliott’s hair but Eliott lowers his head to help him reach. Lucas feels before he hears the deep sigh that Eliott lets out when Lucas presses the tips of his fingers onto his scalp and massages his temples in turns. He doesn’t know how long he does it but looking at the lack of bubbles, Lucas can tell that it has been long enough for them both to be lulled into a meditative state by the repetitive motion.

“We should wash your hair now. Don’t want you catching a cold,” Lucas whispers, not to break the calmness.

Eliott just hums in reply and Lucas gently pushes him under the water.

When Eliott is all cleaned up, he says, “Okay. Let me get the towel.”

He is about to walk past Eliott when the older boy stops him with an arm around his waist.

“You haven’t showered yet.”

“Yeah, I’ll do it once you’re dry and in bed,” Lucas replies.

Eliott just shakes his head, reaching over to press the liquid soap onto his palm. “My turn.”

“You sure? You look tired,” Lucas says, pushing Eliott’s wet hair back, away from his eyes.

“I am. But I want to do this. It just won’t last half as long… Sorry about that.”

Lucas smiles, “Anything you give me, I’m good.”   

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do tell me what you think. It keeps me writing to see your ideas, feelings, impressions, etc. :D
> 
> P/S: I have a lot of feelings sloshing about right now, so this chapter came out sappier than I intended.


	10. intimacy colours my voice

With you, intimacy colours my voice.  
even ‘hello’ sounds like ‘come here'.  
―  Warsan Shire 

 

Lucas distractedly plays Tetris while listening to instrumental music on his headphones, thinking that he might play Eliott a song on the piano later if the older boy is up for it. Eliott naps next to him on the bed, breathing evenly and a comforting calmness envelops them. So, he didn’t quite hear it at first when Eliott’s phone vibrates on the bedside table next to him. They switched places when Eliott requested for it, saying that it might help him nap better on Lucas’ pillow. He likes the scent of Lucas’ aftershave and shampoo apparently. Given that they both showered together, Lucas knows that he doesn’t smell any different from Eliott. But he presumes that Eliott likes the idea of sleeping where Lucas has slept before more than anything. Lucas was deeply flattered when Eliott suggested it but he figured he should keep it to himself given how awkward Eliott was, asking him to move over. He only noticed Eliott’s phone when Eliott nudged him to check it.

Lucas removes his headphones and reaches over. “Ah, it’s… Sofiane.”

He passes the phone to Eliott but the older boy just shakes his head, burying his face deeper into the pillow. Lucas notices two missed calls prior to this and mentioned so to Eliott.

“Maybe it’s important?” Lucas asks softly.

Eliott opens his eyes, slightly swollen from sleep and stares at Lucas wordlessly, long enough for Lucas to fidget under the gaze, beginning to worry that he was being intrusive.

“You want to answer it for me?” Eliott asks instead, voice rough from sleep.

“What—no.”

The phone stops ringing and Lucas lets out a breath of relief. Lucas is looking at the phone screen as it dims to darkness and turns around to see if Eliott has gone back to sleep. Eliott looks between him and the phone in his hand and he feels scrutinized. Lucas drops the phone like a hot potato on the bed between them both.

“I’m not—It’s not like -- Jesus, Eliott.”

He clears his throat and speaks reasonably, “I know this didn’t go down well a few days ago. But I have nothing against Sofiane now, okay? Or your friendship with him. I told you… I’m not gonna be overbearing or something. I know you think I have trust issues but I’m not creepy like that--”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa...” Eliott stops him with a hand on his thigh. “Who said anything about being creepy?”

Lucas blinks at him in surprise. “So… you didn’t think I was being intrusive?”

Eliott frowns in confusion, “No? I just thought maybe you could… I don’t know- answer it for me?”

“Oooh…I see,” Lucas drags, feeling silly like he overreacted.

“Oooh… I see,” Eliott repeats mockingly with a small laugh, and Lucas’ heart rate spikes in excitement.

“How dare you mock me?” Lucas asks, the smile on his face growing into a grin.

“Well, you shouldn’t make it so easy then,” Eliott answers, jerking his eyebrows up twice.

“Oh, yeah?” Lucas says, sliding down the bed to be nose-to-nose with Eliott.

The older boy laughs then, eyes crinkling, nose bumping against Lucas, “Oh, yeah.”

Lucas is enthralled at the sight of all that beauty. Eliott must be resurfacing. He’s joking around, he’s laughing, he’s pulling Lucas closer with a hand on his waist. Lucas feels like he’s floating in joy after the realisation. He has missed Eliott so fucking much in the past week, what with them having a fight… Okay, Lucas did the fighting but still. It’s been so long since he has seen Eliott’s eyes crinkle like that.

He rubs a thumb against the crease, only for Eliott to smile brighter.

“Hello,” whispers Eliott, looking at him playfully.

“Hello,” Lucas answers enthusiastically.

“Hello,” Lucas repeats, as he wraps his arm around Eliott’s neck, buries his fingers in Eliott’s hair and rests his forehead against the older boy.

“Hello, love,” Lucas whispers when Eliott hums and pulls Lucas on top of him as Eliott rolls to lie on his back.

Eliott laughs again and answers, “Hello,” as Lucas comes close enough, leaning in for a kiss.

Lucas stops and hovers a breath away, letting Eliott decide if he’s comfortable with their closeness. When he looks up into Eliott’s eyes, he has them closed but opens them after a second, huffs when he sees Lucas waiting for consent and rushes to capture Lucas’ lips. He presses their lips together and pulls Lucas’ head down to hold him tighter against him. Lucas groans in surprise and Eliott opens his mouth softly in invitation. Lucas runs his tongue along Eliott’s upper lip and the older boy whimpers before brushing his tongue against Lucas'. Lucas' toes curl as he presses his torso down, wanting to crawl into Eliott’s skin when the buzzing sound breaks him out of the trance. Eliott groans, annoyed about it.

“Sofiane again,” Lucas whispers, catching his breath.

“Come back here,” Eliott places a hand on his cheek and pulls him down.

“Eliott, answer it. This is the fourth call.”

Eliott huffs out, “ _You_ answer it then,” before burying his face on Lucas’ neck and giving him little kisses.

Lucas falters but slides the call sign to answer it before he freaks out further.

“Hello?”

Eliott looks up in surprise, not thinking that Lucas actually would, and Lucas rolls his eyes at him.

The voice on the other end goes, “Hey, Eliott! What have you been up to, man?”

Lucas clears his throat and replies, “I… uh… Sorry, I’m Lucas. I’m Eliott’s…”

He hesitates, looking at Eliott, not knowing if he told anything about him to his friends. Eliott just raises his eyebrows at him.

Sofiane says excitedly, “Boyfriend, yes. Hi, Lucas! It’s nice to finally… well, I haven’t met you, but this counts for a meeting of sorts.”

Lucas smiles when he hears Sofiane’s easy chuckle. He can see why Eliott is friends with him. They’re something warm and loving in the way he speaks.

“Hi, Sofiane. This is nice, yes. Sorry, Eliott is… in the bathroom,” Lucas lies.

Eliott snorts and Lucas places a hand on his mouth to shut him up. Eliott takes this as an opportunity to kiss Lucas’ palm and the younger boy is tickled by the hot breath.

“Listen, I was thinking of inviting Eliott to my house for dinner. My mum is cooking tonight. You should come too. We can chill here. Oh, do you eat spicy food? Eliott loves spicy food even if it makes him cry. But I can tell my mum to make yours without too much spice. My younger brother likes it mild so he can keep you company and all,” Sofiane says, getting excited at the prospects of it.

“Ah, that sounds really great, thank you. But I have to ask Eliott. Can you give me a sec?”

He covers the phone against his chest and relays the info to Eliott but the older boy just shakes his head.

“I’m not a hundred percent yet and I don’t want his mum to see me like this. Just tell him I’m not well. We can go another day, if you wanna meet them,” Eliott says, placing a kiss on the back of Lucas’ hand as a promise.

“Hey, Sofiane? I’m sorry but we got to turn down the invitation this time. Eliott is not feeling too well.”

He hears nothing but quiet breathing for a moment before Sofiane answers softly, “Yeah, I guessed as much. He didn’t look too great the last time he came over to help me out at the community center. Idriss and I have been calling him for a few days actually but he didn’t answer. That’s why I wanted to come get him, thought being around people might help. But he has you, so that’s nice.”

Lucas can't help but feel a pang of guilt at that. Eliott was fine, happy even. It was Lucas' unnecessary argument that led to this. But Lucas forces himself out of that spiral of regrets, and smiles instead, touched by Sofiane's gesture. It's nice to know that there are people outside of Lucas' circle who are looking out for Eliott.

“That’s kind of you.”

“Nah, he’s my best friend. It’s the least I can do. Hey, do you think it will be okay if I brought the food over to him in the evening? And for you, of course. You think he’ll be okay with that? I won’t stay if he doesn’t want people around. I can just pass the food to you. He likes my mum’s cooking.”

“Let me ask him.”

 When Lucas tells him about Sofiane’s suggestion, Eliott whispers to Lucas, “It’s up to you, really. Are you okay with him hanging out with us for a bit?”

“Yeah, I’m okay. He seems wonderful.”

Eliott smiles, “He really is. It would mean a lot to me if you were friends with him too.”

Lucas understands the sentiment. It made him happy when Eliott got absorbed into his gang without any hesitation. It still makes him contented knowing that Yann personally texts Eliott, discussing football scores and Game of Thrones with him.

“Of course,” Lucas says, leaning to leave a quick peck on his lips before answering Sofiane.

“Sofiane, he's up for it. Do come over to Eliott's place and hang out here if you’re free.”

“Oh, superb! My mum is making Harira and chebakkiya for Iftar. And chicken tagine and couscous. Can you ask him if he wants anything else? Dessert maybe? Salad? Oh and is spice okay for you? My mum will make it mild anyway but if you would like something else? Something sweet--”

Lucas chuckles, knowing he can’t pronounce half of it, “I’m sure Eliott is more than happy with… ah, the couscous and all. And don’t worry about me. I’m a big fan of food.”

Eliott smiles knowingly and Lucas pushes his face away in embarrassment.

Sofiane answers, “Okay, cool. I will see you in the evening then?”

“Yes, looking forward to it.”

“Bye, Lucas. Give Eliott a hug for me,” he says before putting down the phone.

Lucas drops the phone on the bed and hugs Eliott, "This is from Sofiane."

Eliott chuckles and asks mischievously, “So, what’s in the menu for tonight?”

“Shut up,” Lucas says, wrapping himself around Eliott’s arms and immobilising him in retaliation.

Lucas knows that if Eliott wants to, he could break out of the hold easily. His boyfriend is stronger than him, he is well aware of that. Eliott is the one to pin his arms to the bed usually. Which is what makes it all the more intoxicating when Eliott doesn’t fight back and lets Lucas manhandle him instead. He thinks Eliott senses the shift in the atmosphere too because he stops giggling and thrashing about weakly. Instead, he looks up at Lucas from beneath his long eyelashes, breathing getting shallower. 

Lucas kisses his Adam’s apple, still squeezing Eliott and keeping him in place as he asks quietly, “Now, where were we before we got interrupted?”

Eliott groans deeply, head tilting back to let Lucas run his tongue from his collarbone up to his jawline.

Lucas leaves an open-mouthed kiss below Eliott’s ear and whispers, “Is this okay, baby?”

Eliott’s breath hitches and he nods, eyes fluttering shut. Lucas kisses the knob of his jaw and bites it gently, Eliott’s stubble creating a delightful friction against Lucas’ lips.

“Do you just want to make out? Ooor...”

“Lucas…” Eliott huffs impatiently.

“I just need to be sure. I don't want to hur—”

“I promise to tell you if I need you to stop, okay?” Eliott says.

“Okay…” Lucas says slowly, intertwining their fingers and pushing Eliott’s arms above his head.

“Okay,” he repeats with laughter in his voice when he grinds down on Eliott’s lap and is met with a desperate moan.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeee... Let me know your thoughts and feelings. :D


	11. love is kindness

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.  
Love them anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.  
Build anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.  
Give the world the best you have anyway.”

\- Kent M. Keith

 

Lucas has been sitting on the couch, fidgeting with the remote control as he waits for Sofiane. He doesn’t know why he’s so nervous. And it doesn’t help that Eliott has gotten quieter too, perched on the kitchen stool and staring at the sketch paper in front of him. He was drawing something a while ago, but now, Lucas looks over every now and then to see him spaced out. If he didn’t know any better, he’d think Eliott was nervous too. But that would be ridiculous, right? Why would Eliott be nervous? Lucas’ thought is disrupted by the ringing of the bell and he stands abruptly. He takes a step towards the door, stops in his tracks and then turns around to look at Eliott sheepishly.

Eliott, who has been watching him, smiles a little, nods, and stands up to walk across the room to get the door even though it would have been quicker for Lucas to reach it. He pauses in his path to kiss Lucas fleetingly on the lips.

When he feels Lucas whisper, “Thank you,” he ruffles Lucas’ hair reassuringly.

Lucas can’t see Sofiane from where he’s standing, what with Eliott’s tall figure blocking the person before him.

But he hears the excited, “Hey, man. So long!” and the rustling of plastic in his hands.

Eliott greets him back, with just as much warmth even if it’s in a subdued manner and moves aside to let him in. Lucas runs his hands across the waist of his pants before putting his hand up in a wave as he sees Sofiane.

“Hey, Sofiane,” he says, clearing his throat when his voice comes out high.

Sofiane smiles widely, saying, “Ah, there he is! The wonderful Lucas that we’ve heard all about,” and the anxious energy settles a little for Lucas.

Sofiane mutters apologies about having his hands full as Eliott takes some of the packages to the kitchen.

“Dude, that’s way too much food,” Eliott remarks.

“It’s freshly cooked. You can keep the leftovers in the fridge. Would last a minimum of four days without going bad. I mean that’s what my mum said,” Sofiane explains.

Lucas moves closer to the kitchen counter, awkward with his empty hands as both boys set about arranging the Tupperwares on the counter. Just then, Sofiane finishes his task and turns around to grab Eliott by the shoulders, pulling him in for a hug. He sways from side to side, face buried on Eliott’s shoulder. Lucas doesn’t know where to look now, he finds the moment intimate.

He smiles and looks at his shoes for a beat when he hears Sofiane say, “We really missed you this week, you know? We were expecting you to come over for the kid's birthday party.”

“Yeah, sorry,” Eliott’s voice is soft and husky. “It… I wa—I wasn’t—”

Sofiane holds him tighter then as he stops swaying and Lucas sees the frown form between Sofiane’s eyebrows, “You need to let me know when that happens. I would like to know. I would have been here. Idriss too.”

“It really wasn’t that big of a deal,” Eliott says, uncomfortable with the attention.

“Not the point,” Sofiane says, pulling away. “But okay. I know you’ve got Lucas. I’ll let it slide this time,” he laughs a little to ease the tension.

He looks over to Lucas then and the younger boy throws back a smile in acknowledgement. He’s surprised to find himself in Sofiane’s arms within seconds. He relaxes and pats him across the back as Sofiane hugs him tightly for a moment before letting go. Lucas is touched by the gesture but he’s too awkward with such open show of affections that he suggests they eat instead. He’s close to Yann, Arthur, and Basile and all. But they usually just do their weird little handshake for greeting. The few times Lucas had such display of tenderness and sincerity was when Yann apologized for not being there for Lucas or when Lucas used to show up at his house after a particularly vicious fight between his parents. To think that Sofiane is this way, without any occasions, makes him both swell in gladness and shrink in unfamiliarity.

Sofiane insists that he’d serve the food for them, and he does it so meticulously, explaining what each dish is to Lucas and sometimes tacking on an anecdote about the times that Eliott have had this meal at his home.

Lucas grabs a spoon to take a bite but hesitates when Eliott checks his phone and says, “Wait, what time is iftar?”

Sofiane answers distractedly, “9.04 today.”

“We still have 41 minutes then,” Eliott replies, putting his cutleries down.

He looks over at Lucas, “You can eat if you’re hungry. I’ll wait with Sofi—"

“What—no, no. I don’t—I’m not fasting. Eat... Please,” Sofiane says, urging them as he puts food in his own plate.

They take a few bites, relishing the food. Lucas can’t believe he hasn’t had Moroccan food before. He will absolutely be craving for it now that he knows how good it is.

He tells as much to Sofiane just to have the other boy laugh and say, “Good, that’s the plan. Now I can come visit you both often with food.”

“You’re always welcome here even without,” Lucas says, gladly surprised that he means it.

“Oh, I don’t have to bribe you guys? That’s just excellent,” Sofiane answers.

Eliott smiles at Lucas beatifically and the younger boy reaches over to squeeze his shoulder once before continuing with the meal.

Eliott takes a sip of water and asks, “Hmm… so, you alright, Sofiane? You’re not well?”

“Huh?” Sofiane asks, looking up while chewing his food thoughtfully.

“No, just—you’re not fasting. You only skip fast if you’re feeling sick--”

“Uh… no. I don’t fast anymore. I’m...I renounced Islam,” Sofiane answers, pushing his food around the plate.

A deep silence falls between them and Lucas looks from one to the other.

“Why?” Eliott asks quietly. “You are really… I mean, you were a good Musliman. More so than most of our friends.”

“Yeah, I don’t know, I don’t agree with some teachings. Felt like a hypocrite to pick and choose so I just decided not to,” Sofiane shrugs, not meeting Eliott’s eyes.

“But does your family know? What did your mum and dad say?”

“They were disappointed. Dad tried to talk some “sense” into me,” Sofiane says, smiling but without any of his previous merriment. “I asked him some questions that he didn’t have answers to. He said to believe in the good and to have faith in Allah, not whatever hateful preachers say… I don’t know. I told him I’ll do my best to be good but in my own terms. I can’t believe in a God anymore. I tried, I just lost faith, I guess. They’re okay now I think. They accept me for who I am, even if they can’t understand me.”

Lucas looks over and sees Eliott stare at Sofiane, eyebrows scrunched up with a frown on his lips.

“What made you lose faith?” Eliott asks.

“I don’t know. A lot of things…” Sofiane says, standing up to refill his glass of water.

“Like what?”

Sofiane drinks the water in three gulps, refills more water as he says, “Ah… long story. Let’s not get into it.”

Lucas tries to change the subject then, not wanting Sofiane to feel awkward as he sat down back on his stool.

“Hey, I’ve got grapes in the fridge. Would either of you like some?”

“Oh, I’m full right now but I’ll have some later, thank you,” Sofiane says with a smile.

When Eliott speaks again, his voice is harder, “Does it have anything to do with what I did?”

Sofiane looks up, feigning ignorance. “What do you mean—”

Lucas places a hand on Eliott’s and says quietly, “Eliott, he said he doesn’t want to talk about it.”

Eliott turns to look at Lucas then, and their eyes lock. Lucas doesn’t know what his expression was like but it must have sent some message across because Eliott stops then, nods gently and says, “Sorry.”

Sofiane rushes to clear the situation, “Nah, man. It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

Lucas asks Sofiane about Australia then, redeeming the night from turning stressful for all of them.

*****

After dinner, Sofiane, Eliott, and Lucas took turns playing video games until Eliott called it a night.

“Oh okay… I should go then,” Sofiane says, pausing the game with Lucas.

“No, no. Stay. With Lucas, if you want. I’m just going to sleep,” Eliott says.

Lucas quite enjoys Sofiane’s company and he feels guilty for hating on Sofiane before. So, he insists that Sofiane stays for at least a couple more games. He tells Sofiane to get snacks for himself as he follows Eliott to the room.

Eliott strips deftly and goes to the bathroom to brush his teeth.

“So… everything alright?” Lucas asks, leaning on the door sill.

Eliott looks at him, eyebrow raised and nods, mouth filled with foam. He rinses and asks, “Why?”

“No reason. Just wanted to make sure.”

Eliott looks at him questioningly but Lucas rolls his eyes and stops him before he says something silly.

“Not babysitting,” Lucas says.

“I’m just tired,” Eliott says as he wipes his face with a towel and moves towards the bed.

“He’s nice. Really cares and all. I like him.”

Eliott nods, “I’m glad you’re getting along with him.”

“Of course,” Lucas says, waits for Eliott to climb into bed before he tucks him in.

“Are you for real?” Eliott asks, eyebrow raised but the smile on his lips undermines the question.

“What? I just felt like it,” Lucas says, pushing at his cheek before leaving a peck. “Okay, I should go out. Don’t want him feeling awkward.”

“Yeah…” Eliott says.

“Good night, babe,” Lucas answers, standing up but he turns back when he feels Eliott’s hand around his wrist.

“Thank you,” Eliott says.

“For what?”

“I don’t know. Everything… You’re kind.”

Lucas blushes, not knowing how to react. Of all the ways to describe him, _kind_ isn't the word he would have picked for himself. Eliott calls him 'brave', 'funny', 'handsome', 'full of life', and so much more. He has learnt to accept all of that in one way or another. But _kind?_ He's always thought of himself as self-centered. When he's nice to people, it's for himself. It's because he loves them and being nice makes him feel good about himself. Kindness, he thinks, is a step higher. Kindness is selfless, kindness is being compassionate even when you're not required to.

Kindness is the way Sofiane makes anyone feel like they belong in his company, the fact that he works at a community centre for a peanut salary because he wants to help create a nourishing space for children. Kindness is the way Imane steps up for her friends and makes things happen for them without them realising. Like when she hid the weed he dropped on the floor to save her friends from the cops, like when she forced Lucas and his friends to attend Daphne's first meeting, not as a means to be spiteful towards Lucas but to give Daphne a small victory and support her aspirations. Kindness is when Eliott found out that Basile's mum had to be taken to the hospital and he borrowed his dad's care to drive there to meet Basile in the middle of the night while Lucas was unaware and asleep in his flatshare. Kindness is how he stayed there till morning, made sure Basile ate his breakfast from the cafetaria, and then drove both Basile and his mum home safely. 

“Can I have a minute?” Eliott asks, pulling one hand out of the blanket and holding it out.

Lucas holds his hand and sits on the edge of the bed, still reeling with the thought, just to have Eliott drag him down on his chest. Lucas lays there for a while, with one of Eliott’s arm around his shoulders and the other in his hair.

He relaxes, listening to Eliott’s heartbeat before sighing a little, “You want me to stay here with you? I can--I don’t know, tell Sofiane… something. He probably won’t mind.”

“No,” Eliott says quietly and releases Lucas. “Go... have fun.”

“Babe?” Lucas asks questioningly.

“Hmmm?”

“What’s on your mind?”

“Nothing, really. Go, Lucas,” he says with a fond smile.

When he sees Lucas hesitate, he pulls him down for a kiss and whispers against his lips, “I was just remembering that—”

Eliott sighs before continuing, “Everything was so difficult for so long. And then you happened and you... changed everything.”

He kisses Lucas’ eyelids, his cheeks, his nose. “I’m just really grateful is all.”

Kindness is _this_. Eliott putting himself out there, time and time again, to tell Lucas he is loved even for the most mundane of reasons. He would have thought that words would have lost their novelty by now. After all, there are people who say "I love you" as a way to fill the silence. Like his dad and all those times he said he loved Lucas, as a way to appease his son for not being there enough. It's not that nobody loves him. It's just that until he was loved by Eliott, he was so filled with self-hate that he couldn't see the ones that did in fact love him. He kept pressing on the bruises, feeling around the gaping absence of his parents. That's a pain that will never go away regardless. Every child learns about love from his parents, first and foremost. All that Lucas learnt was that people who love you will continually disappoint you. It's hard to feel loved by anyone when you're lonely, feeling like you'll never belong. When you can't listen to your friends speak to their parents on the phone without feeling like you've been robbed. When you're worried about rent and going hungry, terrified about people finding out who you really are and hating you for it, feeling like there's no one there to truly bail you out if shit happens to you. And then came Eliott, and he made him see a little closer at all the ways that he is loved. And Eliott's _here_ now, Eliott will be his first phone call if he's out there alone and terrified. Eliott is the person whose door he will knock the next time his father lies, "Lucas, I can't come today. I'm sorry. I love you."

Lucas returns the kisses, starting from his eyelids up to Eliott's nose, and whispers, “You did the same, Eliott. You know that, right? You are all that for me.”

Eliott smiles blindingly and Lucas kisses him before Eliott pulled away. “Okay, now go. Sofiane’s waiting. We have all of tomorrow to kiss.”

“I’m going to hold you to that.”

“I want you to,” Eliott says with a wink.

Lucas turns off the light in the room, but not before saying “I love you” and meaning it with all of his being.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me your thoughts, lovely people. <3


	12. tell me about the wounds

“How many unuttered words died in the heads of those for whom a word was too expensive.”   
―  Dejan Stojanovic

 

Lucas returns to the living room to find Sofiane holding out the Tupperware filled to the brim with dates, “You mind if I have some?”

“Of course not,” Lucas shakes his head. “You got us that, bro.”

“I know. But it’s for you. I have more at home. So…” Sofiane says, smiling sheepishly.

“Knock yourself out, man,” Lucas says, sitting down and taking a date for himself.

Lucas lets a delighted sound escape as he chews on the sweet and soft flesh.

“God, this is so good…” he stops to swallow. “It’s so sweet.”

Sofiane nods with a pleased grin.

“Where did you get these from? The ones I got from the supermarket were dry and tasteless.”

“These are from Morocco. My uncle went back to visit his relatives and got us some.”

Lucas nods in concentration as he spits the seed out on one hand and reaches for another date.

“You gotta tell me when your uncle goes back next,” Lucas says laughingly.

“Sure, man. But you can get these at any Middle Eastern grocery store. It’s Ramadan. They’ll definitely be selling these. Just ask for Medjoul dates.”

“Medjoul?”

“Yeah, Medjoul. That’s the type.”

Lucas smiles, “Why didn’t I know all these before? I’m going to have to shout at Imane.”

Sofiane laughs for a beat and then clears his throat to clarify, “But man, always check the labels. Don’t get dates that are from Israel or Jordan Valley. And look out for the Hadiklaim brand. Avoid those.”

“Why? Are they dry?”

“Uh, no. Cause they’re from an illegal settlement in Palestine. It’s like—like dates are some of Israel’s biggest import, especially during Ramadan. So they're making money out of stolen land. If we buy it, we’re giving off the message that we support the occupation of Palestine, you know? It’s not—it’s unethical,” Sofiane finishes, looking a little uncomfortable.

“Oh, okay. I didn’t know,” Lucas answers slowly, processing what Sofiane is saying. “Can I ask a stupid question?”

Sofiane looks up then and nods.

Lucas clears his throat and shifts in his seat, “You don’t have to answer it if you don’t want to... This may be ignorant of me…but I’m not trying to offend you or something.”

Sofiane smiles reassuringly, “I know. Shoot away.”

“So you’re not Muslim anymore, right?”

“Yeah…”

“But Palestinians are."

Sofiane nods.

"And this is a religious conflict with Jewish people, right? So why do you—” he stops himself when he sees Sofiane’s eyebrow quirk.

“No, finish your thought,” Sofiane says.

“I don’t know… I was just thinking like… If you don’t believe in religion, why do you care about this?”

Sofiane breathes deeply then, turns around to sit facing Lucas and says, “Okay, first of all, it’s _not_ a religious conflict. It’s not about Muslims against Jews. That’s what the media wants you to think. It gives them more reasons to be racist and Islamophobic. But not even… not all Jewish people agree with Israel’s action. It’s about…. it’s about land an-- and colonialism. Imagine—okay-- imagine if someone moved into your house because they didn’t have a home, and they say that they are the descendants of the previous tenants of your neighbourhood. You've lived here all your life and so have your ancestors but you think, okay, fine, they’ll take one room. You can live together. But then they just kick you out of your home instead and--and take all your belongings. That's the simple version of what happened with Palestinians. They took away the homes of people when they illegally expanded their land… I mean, I believe, I sincerely believe that Jewish people deserve reparations for the Holocaust. But that should come from all the European countries that contributed to the genocide. Why repeat the cycle in Palestine? I don’t believe in the creation of Israel by stealing land and killing Palestinians. Get what I mean? It’s not about religion. It’s about… being humane.”

Lucas nods slowly. He has never had to think about where he gets his dates from, of all things. Because he has never had to think about what his actions, however benign and unintentional, affect other people in other parts of the world.  At that moment, Lucas looks at Sofiane and has two realisations. The first is that living as an Arab man in France is a whole other world of concerns to navigate that Lucas has never had to experience. It’s what Imane talks about when she mentions that being a black hijabi is so much more difficult than Lucas or any of her white friends can understand. He thinks he's beginning to comprehend it now. 

It’s the same way Lucas is very sensitive to his surroundings since he came out. How a part of him still gets anxious when Eliott and Lucas are walking down the street with Eliott’s arm around his shoulder, and someone looks in their direction. He can immediately feel himself worrying about how this appears to other people. Do they look like friends? Maybe they can get away with it if they look like friends. But sometimes, he just gets angry at that notion. Why must they? He pulls Eliott in for a kiss then, resisting the fear. But it’s always there, at the back of his mind… What if? What if someone confronts them? What if they get violent? What if what if what it… Mika once got decked in the streets at night because he wore glitter and make up for a night out. His friends were there to stop the fight and take him home, and Mika played it off as battle scars the next day, singing Eye of the Tiger in the kitchen. But Lucas saw it in his posture, in his eyes, for weeks after the incident. The anger, the resentment, the sorrow. Why can’t they just be who they are when they’re not hurting anyone? But still, Mika left the flat every day, with his chin held defiantly. Lucas thinks about the argument they had over pride parade and he feels ashamed now. He understands now what it means to have the courage to be yourself in a world that will rather see you dead.

The second thought he has is a lot more pleasant in comparison. He thinks of Sofiane and Imane together. A power couple. Imane needs someone like Sofiane, someone who sees her struggles and her strong principles, someone who understands the nuances of living in the margins, who still grew up soft and kind when it would have made sense for him to grow angry with the world. Someone who ponders upon his actions and what he can do to make this world more bearable. Someone like Imane.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know if I’m explaining this well. Maybe I have to read more to answer your question,” Sofiane says when Lucas remains silent.

“No, no, I get it. I think _I_ should read more actually. I don’t even watch the news. I don’t know enough. It’s good that you… you told me all this,” Lucas rushes to ease the frown between Sofiane’s eyebrows. “What’s the name of the brand again? The one you said not to buy?”

Sofiane smiles kindly and says, “Hadiklaim.”

Lucas repeats it under his breath. They stay quiet for a while, each eating a date and staring at the TV screen, the paused game casting the only light in the room.

“I’m sure Imane would love these discussions,” Lucas says, as a way of initiating the conversation again.

Sofiane smiles at him but this time, it doesn’t reach his eyes. He looks at his palms, not maintaining eye contact, his eyes and teeth gleam blue from the light of the TV screen.

“She would,” he answers softly. “I used to learn so much from her.”

“Used to?”

Sofiane just smiles and nods his head at the TV, “Ready for another game?”

Lucas huffs and gets his console, “You’re lucky this is our first meeting. You wouldn’t just get to run away from questions the next time.”

Sofiane laughs then, picking up his own console, “I’m not running away from questions. There’s just nothing to say.”

“Nothing to say says a lot more.”

Sofiane sighs as they both start the game, focusing on it for a while.

Sofiane then asks quietly, eyes still glued to the screen, “You’re her best friend, right?”

Lucas glances at him for a moment before swivelling back to the game as his character almost falls to death, “She is one of _my_ best friends, that I know. Not sure if it's the same the other way around.”

“She told me once that you’re the one she can speak to honestly. You’re straight-shooting and she likes that about you.”

Lucas laughs, “She has never said that to me. I’m going to have to tease her about having a heart.”

“Oh, please don’t. She’ll get angry that I’m telling people things she told me.”

The background music of the game fills the silence for a beat.

Sofiane breathes deeply then and says, “She has a heart. Bigger than most, actually. But she doesn’t know how to let people in.”

Lucas nods, not knowing what else to say, “Very true.”

When Sofiane’s character dies on the screen, Lucas doesn’t shout in celebration as he used to in their prior games.

He says instead, “One thing I’ve learnt from being with Eliott… you gotta teach people how to let you in. Because it’s worth the wait and the struggle. Because they have so much to give.”

He sees Sofiane blush and fidget, “I wasn’t talking about me. We’re not—I’m not… Imane and I are friends, that’s all. Or at least we used to be—”

Lucas just tilts his head, eyes narrowing knowingly.

Sofiane slumps as he lets out a breath, “Am I _that_ obvious?”

Lucas just laughs. “Been there, done that. With Eliott, I mean.”

“Yeah? Did Eliott say you guys are better off as friends?”

“Uhh… sort of. He said it was all too fast for him. And he was with someone at the time sooo…”

“Lucille,” Sofiane nods.

“Yeah, you know her. I forgot.”

“Yeah, we go a long way back.”

“Does this feel odd then?” Lucas asks.

“What feels odd?”

“I don’t know. Eliott with me rather than Lucille?”

“No.”

Lucas huffs disbelievingly and bends over to take another date from the Tupperware on the coffee table.

“No. Really no. I mean, Lucille was nice. Lucille was his first love. No denying that. She shaped him in a lot of ways, good and bad. If I met her again, I will go up and speak to her. I'll be friends again. But… you’re good for Eliott. He’s happier now.”

Lucas can’t help it but crave the validation. Because Sofiane knows Eliott since they were kids. So, his words count for something.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, definitely,” Sofiane reaffirms.

“How do you know?”

“I just do. The way he talks about you, I guess. It’s just—With Lucille, he was always talking about what she did for him, how thankful he is. But it was never about her as a person. He didn’t exist as a person either. It was like…It was—Okay fine, I’ll give you an example. Last week, he came to the community centre to help me out. He looked bummed out, was quiet the whole night. Imane told me that Manon told her that you guys had a disagreement or something?”

Lucas looks down at that. They were fighting about Sofiane. He wonders if he knows.

“So, I went up to him, asked him what’s going on, if everything is okay with you? And all he said was, ‘Nah, man. It’s alright. Nothing we wouldn’t survive. I’m just missing him a lot.’ And I was like have you talked to him? And he was like, ‘no, he needs time, I think. I don’t want to push him...’ That’s how I know you’re it for him.”

Lucas doesn’t understand what that means. It sounds very normal to him. That’s no grand gesture of love or anything and he mentions as much.

“Exactly. It's real like that. Back when Lucille and Eliott used to fight, he’d worry all day and night, thinking she would leave him. He’d text her compulsively, call her a million times. And she’d ignore him until he apologised profusely. It doesn’t matter what the argument was about, whether it was over lunch, over girls, over life plans. And they used to fight a lot. But then they’d make up and have sex or something and he’d sweep the whole thing under the rug, like nothing happened. He never dealt with any of it, he just didn’t want her to leave him. And it was the same for her. They were just like… codependent, you know? They didn’t have boundaries. If keeping his mouth shut and compromising meant that she’d stay, he’d do just that. No questions asked.”

“Huh,” Lucas says, thinking about all the times Eliott has stopped him when he just wanted to kiss and make up, forcing them to have a conversation about what went wrong.

He tries to think of any other arguments they had before the one over Sofiane and he can’t quite think of anything recent. Maybe the time when Lucas skipped school and stayed in bed all day with Eliott because he wasn’t feeling well. And the day after, when Lucas was planning to skip school again, Eliott snapped at him. That’s when he first used the term “babysitting.” Lucas went to school angry and dejected, came home and avoided Eliott until it’s time for bed. He had been contemplating sleeping on the couch when Eliott came to find him in the living room.

He remembers Eliott saying, “Promise me you won’t skip school on my account? I know you love me. But if you really want to show me you love me, you need to take care of you first. I can’t be worried about both of us every time I’m unwell. I need to know you’re okay and you’ll look after yourself first.”

Now, reflecting on it, he thinks, maybe this _is_ the grand gesture of love. To be together, to take care of each other, but without losing oneself in the attempt. Eliott loves him enough to want Lucas to be whole without him.

He remembers the sunny afternoon after Eliott’s exam, having made love the entire morning, Lucas was giddy with fondness as he pressed his entire body against Eliott.

“Hmmm… I just want to leave my body and climb into yours,” he said jokingly.

And Eliott pushed his hair, forced him to look into his blue eyes as he said, “No, thanks. You stay in your body, please. I like you as you.”

He had lightheartedly kissed Eliott and the older boy asked, “Will we get married, you think? Still be like this when we’re old and saggy?”

Lucas nodded with a tender smile, “I hope so.”

When Lucas leaned in for a deeper kiss, Eliott broke away for a moment and said, “Lucas? I know you were only joking before. But if you ever had to pick between me and you, pick _you_. I like you the way you are. And I want _you_ to like you the way you are, with or without me.”

Lucas frowned at him, sensing that Eliott was serious about it. Eliott had simply kissed him all over his face and the frown was gone.

He thinks it all makes sense now. Why Eliott is so sensitive about being taken care of, how he gets offended at the idea of being helpless, how he questions Lucas every time he does something for Eliott. Eliott is afraid of being dependent on someone. He also understands now why Eliott didn’t try to contact him when they fought, until Imane told Eliott to do so. He wasn’t angry with Lucas, he wasn’t being spiteful, and it wasn’t that he didn’t care. He genuinely believed he was giving Lucas the time and space to process his feelings.

They come from opposite ends of the spectrum. Eliott doesn’t like dependence because he has been in a relationship where both of them had to sacrifice themselves to make it work. But for Lucas, having someone to depend on is new and beautiful. Because he is so used to looking after himself and not having people that he can rely on.

Sofiane interrupts his thought, “Did I say something wrong?”

“No, no… It’s good. Uh, I didn’t know-- It’s all good,” Lucas answers, trying to be mindful again.

“I just never thought of it that way before, I guess,” Lucas clarifies.

Sofiane raises his eyebrow in confusion but doesn’t prod when Lucas shakes his head dismissively.

“Sofiane, can I ask you something personal?” Lucas asks.

Sofiane visibly tenses but still nods.

Lucas clears his throat, “You seem to really care about Eliott…”

“Of course. He’s my best friend,” Sofiane says easily.

“And I know that he… you know, he—” he swallows and recomposes himself. “He told me about the time… he acted on his feelings. For you.”

Sofiane opens his mouth to say something but Lucas interrupts, “And I’m not like jealous or anything. I get it. And he told me you weren’t into him. It’s all fine now.”

Sofiane narrows his eyes and says uncertainly, “Okaaay… I’m not sure what the question is.”

“You were his best friend then too, no?”

“Yeah…”

“Then why did you just… abandon him?”

Sofiane blinks at him, throat clicking as he swallows.

“I mean, I get it, he made you uncomfortable. But you knew he was bipolar. You knew he had a tough time and you didn’t even reach out to him? Neither did Idriss? I mean, maybe you couldn’t do it right away but you could have talked to him after some time. Like… that’s not—I mean, I’m not judging or anything. I get that it was all complicated but I’m just trying to understand here. He had no friends for a long time and I think that’s unfair.”

“It _was_ unfair. It was wrong of me. I should have—I just didn’t _know_ , Lucas,” he looks at Lucas pleadingly as though he owes Lucas an apology.

“Didn’t know what?”

“I didn’t know he was bipolar. Not until a few weeks back.”

Lucas’ eyes widen, “What do you mean not until a few--”

“I didn’t know. He never told us anything. He just disappeared. I tried to get in touch. I went to his house, I called him so many times. He just changed his phone number. As a last resort, I called Lucille. And Lucille said he didn’t want to see me. He’d prefer if I just stopped calling or trying to see him. So, I stopped. I didn’t know it was because he was… depressed at the time. I thought he didn’t want to see me because of the whole—” he gestures vaguely and Lucas understands it as the kiss.

“I should have tried harder, I’m sorry,” Sofiane says forlornly.

“But he told me you were the only one who noticed that he was struggling, that he wasn’t doing well.”

“I didn’t, not really. I just thought he was like that because he was dealing with… Well, at first I thought it was his problems with Lucille. Just a lot of pressure for him to do well in school and all that. And then, I assumed… it was, you know, him trying to make sense of not being straight. I thought he was gay and he didn’t know how to leave Lucille. But after I found out he is bipolar, it all clicked. It makes sense now.”

“Did he tell you about it?”

“No. He didn’t. Imane did. She wanted to know why I wasn’t Muslim anymore and one thing led to another and she—she didn’t mean to spill his secrets. But she thought I knew and she accidentally told me,” Sofiane explains as he sees Lucas’ frown deepen.

“She’s not the kind of person to tell other people’s stories, I swear. She only said it because--,” Sofiane says, still trying to clear the air.

“No, I know. I’m just—I know you didn’t want to answer this before and feel free not to now. But did you renounce your faith because… wait, I don’t get it. Because Eliott kissed you? How is that--”

Sofiane huffs, “Of course not. I mean, it’s not about the kiss. You don’t stop being a Muslim because--”

“No, no. I know it’s not like… I’m just asking if Eliott had something to do with it.”

Sofiane pauses for a long while and Lucas almost tells him to drop it before he answers, “He… he’s not the only reason. But he’s the starting point, I think. One of the last things he said to me then… he sent a text a few days after th—the incident. He apologized a lot and he quoted verses by Prophet Lut from the Quran and he said, ‘I know I’m going to hell. Allah will never forgive me. But I don’t know how to stop being me.’ It really hit me, I guess. I cannot stomach the idea of my best friend, who’s been nothing but nice, a sincerely good person, going to hell because he likes men. He never picked up his phone after that. I think the shock of it all and the sadness of losing a friend… it just compounded with all the questions I had and I just couldn’t still believe in God.”

Lucas is stunned into silence. He doesn’t know what to say. Should he encourage him to be religious again? Should he affirm his atheist ways? What does one say in this situation? Lucas has his reasons to not believe in God but to think that Sofiane renounced his faith partly because of Eliott is a lot for him to take in.

“Hey, Lucas?”

“Hmmm?”

“Don’t tell Eliott about it, please. Don’t say anything. It will only make him feel guilty when he really shouldn’t. It’s _my_ choice and I don’t regret it.”

"Are you sure you don't regret it?"

When Sofiane looks at him, forehead scrunched in confusion, Lucas says, "I mean, I can tell you like Imane, don't even deny it. And Islam is important to her... Don't you sometimes wish that--"

"No," Sofiane says without hesitation. "I respect Islam and what it means to her. I will do everything in my capacity to support her. But if she likes me, it has to be for who I am too. Otherwise it just... won't work. She knows this better than I do. And she already made her decision, Lucas. She said no. So yeah, there's nothing else to be said about it."

"I... Sorry, I didn't know."

"It's alright," Sofiane says.

Lucas makes a mental note to call Imane tomorrow. The last time he spoke to her, she mentioned nothing about Sofiane and he assumed it was for his benefit. He didn't realise it's because she had already made up her mind. It upsets Lucas because he knows that she truly likes Sofiane, he's the only person she has felt this way about. And he's perfect for her. Now more than ever, he's rooting for them to be together.

He changes the topic when he notices that Sofiane looks like he got punched in the gut.

“Does Eliott know that you know he’s bipolar?”

“Yeah, I think so. I texted him after Imane told me. I apologised for not being there during difficult times. But he hasn’t broached the subject after that.”

Lucas thinks about the fact that he himself didn’t hear about Eliott being bipolar from him. He heard it from Lucille. Maybe this is something Lucas needs to talk to Eliott about.

“You’re a good friend,” Lucas says instead.

“I’m trying to be now, even if it’s too little too late.”

“It’s not. Perhaps we are here at precisely the right time. Perhaps this will be enough.”

“Perhaps,” Sofiane echoes with a smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I got carried away, trying to build Sofiane into a multidimensional character in Lucas' POV. We didn't see them interact at all in season 4. :( Anyways, tell me what you think, as always. You guys keep me going! 
> 
> P/S: Don't ever apologise for long or frequent comments. I love them!

**Author's Note:**

> It was supposed to be a one-shot but when have I ever not spiralled into the "angst with a happy ending" territory? The abyss invites me in.


End file.
